Old and New Jokes

Time wounds all heals.

“What’s wrong?” asks the boss.“I’m sick,” the guy replies.“You sound all right.”“No, I’m really sick. Believe me.”“Listen, you were fine yesterday, and we have a lot of work today. I want you in here. You can’t be that sick!”“Dude, I just banged my sister. Don’t tell me I’m not sick.”

Papá, le pregunta Pepito a su padre, ¿Cómo es Dios?, porque algunos dicen que es varón, algunos que es hembra, otros dicen que es blanco, otros que es negro, ¿cómo es?

El padre le responde:

Dios no es hombre, ni mujer, ni es blanco, ni es negro.

¡Ay, papi! ¿Entonces Dios es Michael Jackson?

Un septuagenario llega al hospital convulsionándose en una camilla; los enfermeros, corriendo, le gritan al médico de guardia:

¡Doctor, doctor es urgente!

El médico, impresionado por la escena, pregunta:

¿Qué le sucede al anciano?

Uno de los enfermeros responde:

Se tomó todo un frasco de Viagra.

El facultativo se alarma y ordena:

Viene intoxicado, necesita un lavado estomacal urgente.

No, trae quemaduras de tercer grado, asegura el enfermero.

¿Dónde?, pregunta extrañado el galeno.

¡En la mano!

It took her two weeks to realize that she wasnt at work anymore!

A man took his young son to the bank with him to transact some business. Since it was lunchtime, there were a lot of people waiting their turn in the cattle chutes. They took their place in line directly behind a woman who was the epitome of corporate fashion.

She was wearing a designer executive business suit, and carrying an expensive leather brief case with a matching shoulder bag that had a pager clipped to it.

After several minutes in line, the boy remarked Dad, that woman has the biggest thighs I have ever seen

Sshh. You shouldnt talk about people like that. You will hurt their feelings.

After several more minutes, the boy again remarked Dad, that woman has the biggest butt I have ever seen

I said not to talk about people like that. Just be quiet and it will be our turn shortly.

Just as he finished speaking, the womans pager went off. beep .. beep .. beep .. beep

LOOK OUT DAD, SHES BACKING UP!!!

(Visual Joke)

Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time?

A: How do you shift this thing? (you make jacking off motions)

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a supermarket cart?

A: The supermarket cart has a mind of its own.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesnt want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, I spat in this beer, do not drink!. After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, So did I!

ArteryThe study of paintings.
BenignWhat you be after you be eight.
BacteriaBack door to cafeteria.
BariumWhat doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean SectionA neighborhood in Rome.
CatscanSearching for Kitty.
CauterizeMade eye contact with her.
ColicA sheep dog.
ComaA punctuation mark.
D&CWhere Washington is.
DilateTo live long.
EnemaNot a friend.
FesterQuicker than someone else.
FibulaA small lie.
GenitalNon-Jewish person.
G.I.SeriesWorld Series of military baseball.
HangnailWhat you hang your coat on.
ImpotentDistinguished, well known.
Labor PainGetting hurt at work.
Medical StaffA Doctors cane.
MorbidA higher offer than I bid.
NitratesCheaper than day rates.
NodeI knew it.
OutpatientA person who has fainted.
Pap SmearA fatherhood test.
PelvisSecond cousin to Elvis.
Post OperativeA letter carrier.
Recovery RoomPlace to do upholstery.
RectumDarn near killed him.
SecretionHiding something.
SeizureRoman emperor.
TabletA small table.
Terminal IllnessGetting sick at the airport.
TumorMore than one.
UrineOpposite of youre out.
VaricoseNear by.