If you think turtleneck is an ingrediant in soup, you might be a redneck.

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four.

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!.

Again, theres a bright flash…and then his legs fall off!

You might be a redneck if you recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck!

He replies, Yes we do. Would you like to buy some? She responds, No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

How do you know that Calista Flockhart (Ally McBeal) doesnt exist?

Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In Spanish, for example, this determines whether you use el or la in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here are a few recommendations:SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasnt evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but its handy to have around.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, theres the hot air part.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female! Consider this: It gives a man pleasure. Hed be lost without it. And while he doesnt always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
TIRES: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, I sure wish Id gotten to know you sooner!

In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if
they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent
responded that they did.

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, How do these represent Christmas?

Answer… Theyre Carols.

En el circo, el presentador, con voz fuerte y emotiva, anuncia la principal atracción de la noche:

Señoras y señores, niños y niñas, a continuación y para cerrar nuestra función de esta noche presentamos… ¡Al Gran Bertinni!

Bajo los reflectores, aparece un hombre de complexión delgada y atlética, mientras el presentador continúa hablando:

El Gran Bertinni saltará desde un trampolín colocado a una altura de 50 metros y caerá dentro de un barril de agua.

Dicho esto, el Gran Bertinni se lanza, da una voltereta en el aire y cae dentro del barril. Al instante, sale alzando los brazos en señal de victoria. El público, sorprendido, estalla en un sinfín de aplausos y ovaciones.

A continuación, el Gran Bertinni saltará desde un trampolín a una altura de 75 metros y caerá dentro de un balde de agua.

Entonces, el Gran Bertinni se lanza, da dos volteretas en el aire y cae dentro del balde. Inmediatamente sale alzando los brazos en señal de victoria. Otra vez, el público, pasmado, estalla en un mar de aplausos y ovaciones.

A continuación, el Gran Bertinni saltará desde un trampolín a una altura de 100 metros y caerá sobre una toalla mojada.

El público grita entusiasmado. Bertinni sube parsimoniosamente la interminable escalera. Al llegar al final del trampolín brinca y da tres volteretas en el aire… ¡Plaf! Un sonido fuerte y seco enmudeció el circo. De inmediato, Bertinni se levanta, todo magullado y lleno de sangre, reclamando:

¿Quién #&%*@ fue el que secó la toalla?