Old and New Jokes

A man walks into a bar with a sandwich on his shoulder.
The bartender turns, looks at him and says, Sorry sir, we dont serve food here!!

After confirming everyones names on the roll, thank the class for
attending Advanced Astrodynamics 690 and mention that yesterday was the
last day to drop.

Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student
and scream YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, The Professor cant hear
you, youll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy.

If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them
your piece of chalk, and ask, Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.
Smartypants?

Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses
with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering
tsk, tsk.

Ask students to call you Tinkerbell or Surfin Bird.

Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether
your butt looks fat.

Play Kumbaya on the banjo.

Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
Giggle throughout it.

Announce youll need this, and write the suicide prevention hotline
number on the board.

Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Browns Sex Machine.

Ask occasional questions, but mutter as if you gibbering simps would
know and move on before anyone can answer.

Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by
the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as
you pace back and forth.

Address students as worm.

Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing
spirituals.

Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver
as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each students name,
rank, and serial number.

Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce
that the lectures over when the bottles done.

Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a
question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for
several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and
proceed normally.

Wear a virtual reality helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a
question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

Mention in passing that youre wearing rubber underwear.

Growl constantly and address students as matey.

Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and
ask students to sit back and groove.

Announce that last years students have almost finished their class
projects.

Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and code all
their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class hes named Boogers McGee
and is your mascot. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the
dog and ask it, Whatll be, McGee?

Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you Snuggles.

Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11
number system. Use a complicated symbol youve named after yourself in
place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who dont use it.

Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.

Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching
assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

Give an opening monologue. Take two minute commercial breaks every ten
minutes.

Tell students that youll fail them if they cheat on exams or fake the funk.

Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver
them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required
reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia,
for next class.

Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize
their choices and make notes in your grade book.

Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep
their distance for their own safety and mutter something about that bug I
picked up in the field.

Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, Are you pumped?
ARE YOU PUMPED? I CANT HEEEEEEAR YOU!

Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor…

Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out. Patient: I wanna second opinion! Doctor: Okay, youre ugly, too!

Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White House?
A: There is White-out on the screen.

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:



Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

Close your eyes and press escape three times.

Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

Windows message: Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)

This is a message from God Gates: Rebooting the world. Please log off.

To shut down your system, type WIN.

BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.

COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

User Error: Replace user.

Windows VirusScan 1.0 – Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)

Welcome to Microsofts World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…

If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesnt it feel nice to have security?

Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. Word has detected that you dont wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?

Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

·There would be 10 times as many people in the ship

·There would be a song with Kate Winslett in a white sari, singing in the rain.

·By the end of the movie, hero would find his long lost Mom, Dad, sis and bhai

·It would be a seven-and-a-half-hour movie with three intervals. The movie would be called Pyar Kiya to Marna Kya?

·The hero and the heroine would float in the cold water for days and still survive while the villain would die in the first few drops.

·The iceberg was sent by the heroine’s father to teach a lesson to the hero.

·None of the women would float because of the saris.

·The orchestra would play Jai Santoshi Maa and a ray of light would come and transport the musicians to another ship.

·And can you imagine how many times we would hear bachaoo?

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.

What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting, the nurse exclaimed.

I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby, the new mother replied.

You dont have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby.

You dont understand, the woman said and frowned. My baby already has a FIRST name!

For the twelve days of Christmas my Tutu (Grandmother) gave to me:

12 missionaries

11 televisions

10 cans of soda

9 Pounds of poi

8 ukuleles

7 shrimps a swimming

6 hula lessons

5 Luau pigs!

4 Flower Leis

3 Dried squid

2 coconuts

and a Myna bird in a papaya tree

Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you dont believe it, consider these weird incidents: *A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luises car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore — where a tree blew over and killed him. *Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge — killing him. *Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull. *George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him. *Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife. *A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death. *Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.