Old and New Jokes

This guy is having sex with a hooker and he says, Youre so dry.

The hooker replies, Give me two minutes.

Two minutes later she comes back and they continue. The man says, Thats much better. What did you do?

The hooker replies, I picked off the scabs.

Yo Momma is so fat that she is like spoiled milk…

A wealthy young Wall Street stockbroker was admiring his physique nude before the mirror one day. The picture was perfectly toned and buffed except for the lack of a tan. So, he flew to California for the weekend to get a tan.

Back in his luxurious New York condo, he stripped bare to get another look at his own great beauty. He was shocked to see that he had a little white triangle in a strategic location. Well, that just wouldnt do!

The next weekend, he flew back to his favorite beach in California. He found a secluded, quiet spot and stripped off his attire and laid down on the sand. Then he proceeded to cover up all his body with the sand, except for the part that was a tiny white triangle. He soon relaxed and fell asleep.

While he napped, two elderly ladies came slowly along the waters edge, clinging to each other and their canes for support. When they saw the strange thing planted in the sand, one lady turned to the other and said, Eloise, when I was 20, I was scared of it.

When I was 40, I couldnt get enough of it.

When I was 60, I had to pay for it.

And now that Im 80, I find it growing wild!

Banta Singh had a bitter quarrel with his wife. In his anger he prayed loudly “Hey Bhagwan! mujhey uttha ley – Lord take me away from this world.”

Mrs. Banta Singh retaliated: “Hey Bhagwan! Mujhey uttha ley.”

Banta Singh quickly amended his prayer: “Hey Bhagwan! Tu iskee sun lay – O Lord, grant her prayer.”

A Koala walks into a bar.

A hooker comes up to the Koala and says, hey hairy, want a date?

The Koala says sure, and they sit in a booth in the corner.

The hooker and the Koala start to get-it-on and end up with the Koala performing oral sex on the hooker.

Afterwards the hooker tries to get her money, but the Koala refuses.

Hey, says the hooker, dont you know the definition of a hooker?

And the Koala says, No, sorry, I dont.

And the hooker says, its someone who has sex for money.

And the Koala says, Well I guess you dont know the definition of a Koala.

Whats that? asks the hooker.

An animal that eats bushes and leaves.

Un hombre manejaba por la autopista cuando vio a una gallina corriendo junto a su coche. Sorprendentemente, la gallina corría al mismo ritmo que el auto, aunque iba a más de 80 km/h.

El hombre aceleró a 100 y la gallina se mantuvo junto a él. Aceleró a 120 y la gallina lo rebasó. Entonces el hombre notó que la gallina tenía tres piernas.

El tipo siguió a la gallina por un camino lateral hasta que llegaron a una granja, donde vio que todas las gallinas tenían tres piernas. El hombre buscó al granjero y le preguntó ¿Oiga, qué pasa con estas gallinas?

El granjero le respondió Bueno, a todo el mundo le gustan las piernas de pollo. Así que crié una gallina de tres piernas. Voy a hacerme millonario.

¿Y qué sabor tienen estas gallinas?

No lo sé, ¡no he podido atrapar ninguna!

Una hermosa princesa está sentada en una piedra sobre el río, cuando de repente se le acerca una rana. La princesa, sorprendida, exclama:

¡Una ranita como en los cuentos!

Así es, como en los cuentos, le responde la rana.

O sea, que si te doy un beso, te conviertes en un hermoso y rico príncipe.

¿Un beso? ¡Eso era antes, a mí ahora, hay que mamármelo!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Iris!
Iris who?
Iris you were here!

If at first you dont succeed, blame it on your supervisor.

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots that are checked for each night. These problems are always solved before the next flight. Here are some actual problems (P) and their solutions (S).

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. (S) Left inside main tire almost replaced.

(P) Test flight OK, except Auto Land very rough. (S) Auto Land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) #2 propeller seepage normal. #s 1, 3, and 4 lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit. (S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to a more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold more produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) Thats what theyre there for.