Old and New Jokes

2 blondes were driving to Disney World when they see a sign on the highway that said:
Disney World
LeftThen they both said, Oh well, I guess well have to go back home.

If you constantly hear a married man brag about how he runs everything around the house, you can be sure that he is referring to the lawn mower, the car, the errands, and the baby carriage.

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3
ducks and decided to enforce the laws pending. He
stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, Looks
like youve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect
your kill?

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks
to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted
his finger into the ducks rectum, pulled it out, sniffed
it, and said, This heres a Washington state duck. Do
you have a Washington state hunting license?

The hunter
pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a
Washington state hunting license. The warden took a
second duck, inserted his finger in the birds rectum,
pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, This heres an
Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting
license. The warden took a third duck, conducted
the same finger test, and said, This heres an Oregon
state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter
produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little
miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to
the hunter and said, Youve got all of these licenses,
just where the hell are you from?

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said
Youre so smart, YOU tell ME!

Mark Kimmerly ISC Systems Corporation | (uunet!iscuva!markk)

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.

He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.

The man says Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.

First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Un tontilandés quiere ir a Londres a visitar a su hijo que está estudiando allí. Le pregunta a otro de Tontilandia:

“¿Cómo voy a Londres si no sé inglés?”

“No te preocupes, el inglés es muy fácil. Sólo tienes que hablar muy despacio”.

“¿Ya está?”

“Sí, verás como te entienden todos”.

Va el tontilandés a Londres, aterriza en el aeropuerto, sale y llama a un taxi:

“Bue–nos–dí—as. ¿Po–drí—a lle–var—me a Ox–ford St—-reet.”

“Des—-de lu–e—-go”, le responde el taxista.

“¿Qué tal tiem—-po ha—-ce en Lon–dres?”

“Es—-tá llo–vien—-do”.

Y así siguen hablando mientras se van acercando a la ciudad. Cerca ya de Londres, le pregunta al taxista:

“¿Tú de dón—-de e–res?”

“Yo de Ton—-ti–lan–dia”.

“¡An—-da! ¿En—-ton–ces que ha–ce—-mos los dos ha–blan—-do en in–glés?

The first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight
and so I chopped the pear tree down – and burned it out of spite.

And with a single cartridge I shot that blasted partridge my true love,
my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves
and gently rung both the necks, of the Turtle Doves.

The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup
and so I took the three french hens and made some chicken soup.

The four calling birds were a big mistake for their language was obscene,
the five golden rings were completely fake, and their turned my fingers green.

The six day after Christmas my 6 laying gees wouldnt lay,
so I sent the whole gaggle back to the ASPCA.

The seventh day, what a mess I found …
all seven of my swimming swans had drowned
that my true love, we are through love, my true love gave to me.

The 8th day after Christmas before they could suspect,
I rounded up the:

maids a milkin
ladies ladies dancing
lords a leapin
pipers pipin
drummer drummin

and sent them back collect.

Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying?

a. Welcome home, I missed you.
b. The phone rang twice while you were out.
c. Feed me, *NOW*.
d. So, I see you didnt bring me the mate I asked for. Your pillow is history.

Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?

a. Please dont leave me here all alone.
b. Have a nice day.
c. But what if I get hungry while you out?
d. Kiss that new vase goodbye.

Your cat digs its claws in your leg. This is?

a. A sign of affection.
b. A demand to be fed now.
c. Have YOU had YOUR shots?
d. An attempt to fix you like you fixed him.

Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?

a. Lemme out – I need to fertilize the garden.
b. Wanna go out and play?
c. Wonder what theyve got to eat next door?
d. Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?

When your cat stares at you, it means:

a. It is bored silly.
b. Its trying to understand how its food grows in cans.
c. You are being sized-up for an attack.
d. Human mating habits are disgusting.

Your cat brings a dead mouse/bird into the house. This means:

a. A primal instinct is being displayed.
b. Youre not feeding me enough.
c. It is showing a sign of affection by sharing.
d. It is demonstrating the fact that it knows how to kill; be warned.
e. All of the above.

Your cat displays signs it wants to mate with other cats in the neighborhood. You should:

a. Let it out immediately.
b. Try to switch its interests to other things.
c. Put on heavy protective clothing if you are not planning to let it out.
d. If the other cats owner is attractive, maybe you could double.

Your cat sleeps with you; covering your face. This means:

a. It is showing you great affection.
b. It knows you are allergic to cats.
c. It has discovered the fine art of suffocation.
d. You should have let it out tonight.

Top 50 Worst Reasons to pull an all-nighter

by Jeremy Shaggy Toeman (jt3h+@andrew.cmu.edu)

NOTE: an all-nighter means missing one nights worth of sleep.

Heated Less-filling Tastes great debate.
Need to figure out which way is east. Wait for sunrise.
Watching Professional Wrestling.
Writing script to Problem Child 3 in an attempt to put to rest all
the unanswered questions from 1 and 2.
Cramming for a test you have the following week.
Waiting for friend to call back with answer to How do you keep an
idiot up all night?
Anything involving latin, Taylors series, or heat transfer.
Attempting to discover how many licks it takes to get to the center
of a Tootsie Pop.
Slightly confused on that whole 5 oclock shadow thing.
Listening to every CD you own using that cool intro feature that
comes in SO handy with every CD player available.
John Wayne-a-thon on channel 2.
Trying to figure out all the words to that Nirvana song.
UCBTalking to anyone you wont ever spend intimate time with. Same
goes for IRC and Broadcast.
Watering plants. Dead plants. Rocks. Dirt. The cat.
Trying to draw a perfect circle freehand, with crayons.
Singing along with Achy Breaky Heart over and over again. What
catchy lyrics that song has, eh?
Second-guessing your clock. (Also works well with Traffic Lights, and
simply anything that blinks on and off forever)
Driving to every 7-11 (or Circle K) in town, just to check that they
are being faithful to their Open 24 Hours policies.
Tring to figure out just why Wil Wheaton is a star.
Pricking yourself with a pin every 5 minutes, just for the heck of
it.
Reading all the articles in your entire Playboy collection to see how
relevant they are to todays economy.
Spinning round and round in circles until you get so dizzy you hurl.
Repeat in opposite direction. Figure out which way makes you blow
chunks faster. Try to keep spinning while heaving.
Coming up with as many colorful euphemisms for the term vomit as
possible. (e.g. spew, yak, ralph, etc…)
Thinking about ways the world would be different if there was no
cement.
Spelunking. In your basement.
Price shopping for beef jerky at any 24-hour supermarkets.
Thinking about that 14-year old brat who sent in $1000 to Clinton,
when you splurge on a Whopper Combo.
Making popcorn, or blowing balloons. (Sorry, inside joke. They are
still NOT good reasons to pull an all-nighter, however)
Pulling out each strand in a Koosh ball. Reassemble the koosh ball.
Repeat. Juggle on occasion.
Pretending it is really 12 hours later than it is. (i.e. Going to
classes, eating lunch, waiting for the soaps to come on…)
Just watching that flashing 12:00 on your VCR because you looked at
your other clocks already, and are simply looking for a second
opinion.
Rearranging your room all night long, attempting to make the WORST
setup possible, just to show that you would do such a thing.
Learn how to communicate better with the animal kingdom.
Trying to figure out how that counter works on a VCR. Once you do
figure it out, borrow a friends VCR. Repeat until insane.
Memorizing all the area codes. (Other good things: local phone
prefixes, zip codes, time zones, etc…)
Wanting to see cool times on your clock like 1:23, 6:66, 4:56, 00:69,
6:30, etc… (If you actually look for some of these times, you may
end up waiting more than all night…)
Pulling all your hair out so you can organize it by color, length,
thickness, straightness. Continue doing so until they haul you off to
the loony bin.
Learning sanskrit, serbo-croatian, ancient french, klingon, or any
other language you probably wont have much call for.
Anything that has to do with Star Trek. (ESPECIALLY watching Star
Trek 5 or 1 really… or that Deep Space show….)
Catching up with all those missed episodes of Coach you taped, so you
can follow along with the current, in-depth plotline.
Buying large amounts of bubble wrap, popping it ALL, then using it to
ship stuff. Breakable stuff.
You HAVE a life, yet you spend it reading lists like this.
Getting high on Marks-A-Lot markers.
Holding yourself hostage, but not telling anyone. Make large demands.
Trying to find food combinations that taste really bad.
Pondering all the hardships Michael Jackson has gone through in his
life. Writing him a sympathy card would be a nice touch.
House of cards.
Reliving the war. Any war. Maybe a childhood schoolyard fight. Maybe
just you stubbing your toe on that damned couch again.
Playing with heat-sensitive toys.
Writing Top 50 lists. Be creative.

Thanks to Michael Red Harris for his rather uninspiring remarks.

Distribute freely, but please dont cut ANYTHING from the first line to this
one.

The devil calls up St. Peter and says, Lets have a baseball game – my people
against your people.

St. Peter thinks this over, checks his populace, and says, Sure, but youre
gonna lose – Ive got all the hall of famers up here.

Maybe so, replies the devil, but Ive got all the umpires!

Your momma is like a doorknob – everyone gets a turn!