An Orthodox Jewish couple are wondering what to get their son for his upcoming Barmitzvah. So when he gets home, they ask him:

So, David, what would you like for your Barmitzvah?

He replied, I would love a motorbike!

When David had left the room the Jewish couple talked about this amongst themselves. They had no idea what a motorbike was! So, they went down to their synagogue and told the Orthodox Rabbi that their son wanted a motorbike for his Barmitzvah but they didnt know what it was.

I have no idea! he said to the couples surprise. Youll have to ask the Reform Rabbi down the road.

So the couple walked down the road and asked the same question to the Reform Rabbi. But his reply was the same as the Orthodox Rabbi:

I dont know! Youll have to ask the ultra-mega Reform Rabbi further down the road.

So, the couple walked further down the road and found the ultra-mega Reform synagogue. They walked inside and said to the Rabbi there:

Our son wants a motorbike for his barmitzvah but we dont know what one is…can you help us?

And the ultra-mega Reform Rabbi replied, Woah, woah, woah, slow down a bit! First things first: whats a Barmitzvah?

There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,I chewed up all my masters shoes, and thats why Im here.

The next dog said,I peed on my masters $1,000 rug.

The next dog then comes in and says,My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!.

And thats why youre here? asked the other dogs. No, Im getting my nails clipped.

He lost his bat, man.

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:

Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

Form a loose grip.

Keep your head down.

Avoid a quick backswing.

Stay out of the water.

Try not to hit anyone.

If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

Dont stand directly in front of others.

Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.

Dont take extra strokes.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy…

Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You dont get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, thats the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties

You make the bed+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets-1
You leave the toilet seat up-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings+5
In the snow+8
But return with beer-5

Social Engagements

Party

You stay by her side the entire party0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking mate-2
Named Tiffany-4
Tiffany is a dancer-6
Tiffany has implants-80

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner0
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar+1
Okay, it is a sports bar-2
And its all-you-can-eat night-3
Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favourite team-10

A Night Out With the Boys

Go with a pal-5
The pal is happily married-4
Or frighteningly single-7
And he drives a Porsche-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)-15

A Night Out

You take her to a movie+2
You take her to a movie she likes+4
You take her to a movie you hate+6
You take her to a movie you like-2
Its called DeathCop 3-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans-15

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts-30
You say, It doesnt matter, you have one, too.-80000

The Big Question

She asks, Do I look fat?-1
(Yes, you lose points no matter what.)
You hesitate in responding-10
You reply, Where?-35
Any other response-20

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression0
You listen, for over 30 minutes+50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV+1000
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep-2000

2 pshycologists met each other in a street one day.

One said to the other, Youre good today, how am I?

A crown court judge was out on the town one Friday evening, partaking of some of Londons finest drinking establishments. Returning home to his good lady wife in the wee small hours, he realised he was going to be for the high jump when she saw the state he was in. His Saville Row suit had vomit all the way down it.

Charles she bellowed.

What on EARTH have you been doing?

Thinking on his feet, he replied Oh…… a dreadful ruffian discharged his ample evenings excesses all over me as I was about to head home. As fortune would have it, he was arrested shortly after, and I will be hearing his case on Monday morning.

Monday morning came, with the judge conducting his business free of controversy. He still had this nagging feeling however, that hed need to have his story straight for his wife when returning home. She was an inquisitive woman, with an eye for detail. Then, out of the blue, she rang him in his chambers.

Charles, what happened to that oik who sullied your jacket on Friday night?

she asked.

Well he replied.

He hasnt appeared before me yet. The case was adjourned until this afternoon, but Ill give him three months in prison for sure.

Frankly Charles, I think youd better give him six months — hes shit in your trousers as well!

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Tan means: Wrinkled

Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking

Widow Nagged means: first husband to death

Writer means: Pompous

A dyslexic walks into a bra….

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, Welcome. Is there anything you didnt have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?.

The cat thought for a moment and said, Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?. St. Peter arranged for it.

Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven? St. Peter of course granted their wish.

About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, I like it alot, but I really enjoy those Meals on Wheels.