Old and New Jokes

Un día, en el jardín del Edén, Eva llama a Dios:

¡Señor, tengo un problema!

Los cielos se abren y se escucha:

¿Qué te pasa, hija?

Ya sé que Tú me has creado y me has dado este hermoso jardín y todos estos animales maravillosos, pero no soy feliz.

¿Por qué, Eva?

Estoy muy sola.

Bueno, tengo la solución: crearé un hombre para ti.

¿Qué es un hombre, Señor?

El hombre será una criatura imperfecta con tendencias agresivas y enorme ego; poco dispuesto a escucharte e incapaz de comprenderte. Será mayor que tú, más rápido y musculoso; tendrá habilidad para pelear y cazar rumiantes veloces. Se portará bien en la cama, pero querrá dominarte y hacerte creer que te protege y lo necesitas. En resumen, te fastidiará bastante. Si, aún así, lo quieres, te lo daré con una condición.

¿Qué condición es esa, Señor?

Tendrás que dejarle creer que Yo lo hice a él primero…

CHILDRENS BOOKS YOULL NEVER SEE

1. Strangers Have the Best Candy



2. You Were an Accident 3. The Little Sissy Who Snitched



4. Some Kittens Can Fly!



5. Getting More Chocolate on Your Face



6. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?



7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her



8. The Attention Deficit Disorder Associations Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Lets Go Ride Our Bikes!



9. All Dogs Go to Hell



10.The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking



11.When Mommy and Daddy Dont Know the Answer They Say God Did It



12. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia



13. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?



14. Why Cant Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?



15. Bi-Curious George



16. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry



17. Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver



18. You Are Different and Thats Bad



19. Dads New Wife Timothy



20. Pop! Goes The Hamster….And Other Great Microwave Games



21. Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets



22. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad



23. The Tickling Babysitter



24. Babar Meets the Taxidermist



25. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence



26. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables



27. Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Moms Purse



28. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy



29. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will



30. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead



31. How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School



32. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear

A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what Gods name was.

Oh thats easy, the man replied, His name is Andy.

What make you think his name is Andy? the angel asked incredulously.

Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.

Wedding Jokes

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive wayto get your laundry done for free.

The most effective way to remember your wifesbirthday is to forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to arestaurant with friends. You order what you want,then when you see what the other fellow has, you wishyou had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,Arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
The other replied, Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much doesit cost to get married?
The father replied, I dont know son, Im still paying.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africaa man doesnt know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, I never knew what real happinesswas until I got married; and then it was too late.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, Iwas a fool when I married you.
The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didntnotice.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds:Wife wanted.
Next day he received a hundred letters. Theyall said the same thing: You can have mine.

When a man steals your wife, there is no betterrevenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. Therest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. Why dont you put your money where your mouth is, he said. I will bet a weeks wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you wont be able to wheel back.

Youre on, old man, the braggart replied. Lets see what you got.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, All right. Get in.

What do you call a Polish baby doctor?

A dope pusher.

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?

A: A wind tunnel.

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You dont have to compliment the person who gave you some…
6. Person giving you some, doesnt fantasize youre someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it wont last for nine months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one will think youre weird.
3. Doesnt matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. No guilt the next morning.
And, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex….
1. If you dont get what you want, you can always go next door.

What do you call a fly in a blondes brain? A space invader!

My grade in ____ should be raised from _____ to ____ because:1. There must be a mistake somewhere.2. I was not well at the time of the examination.3. My mind always goes blank during an examination.4. This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.5. This is the only course in which I received a poor grade6. This mark grieved my mother (or Father) whose pride I am.7. Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.8. The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject9. I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.10. I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.11. I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give to one of the other sections.12. Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.13. The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.14. I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do an who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student – you just ask any one of them.15. The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.16. Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.17. I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question18. I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students19. At the time of the exa