Old and New Jokes

Penis Length Survey

Men are notorious liars about their penis length, so I have devised the
following foolproof test.

Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the
rounded hollow on top of the 1 key. Rest your right testicle in the
key immediately below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably
something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to
use the A or even the Z key).
Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the
number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is
1234567890-+ the backspace key removes the .)
Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a
distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently
at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground.
Repeat the above test.
Please post your results to net.general and Ill summarize to everyone
on the net by personal mail.

Cautions

Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or place
two keyboards end to end.
If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down
with alcohol first.
On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire
extinguisher handy, and DONT BE AFRAID TO USE IT.

Remember, Larry Bud Melman is not an attorney.

Incidentally, this test can also be used to diagnose some genital disorders:

Test Results Diagnosis

1 You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerkers Lean.

12wgui,l=] Seek immediate medical care.

Copyright by Scott Turner, reproduced with permission.

It seems that when God was making the world, He called Man over & bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified! Only 20 years of normal sex life? but the Lord was adament that that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey & gave him 20 years. But I dont need 20 years, he protested. Ten is plenty for me. Man spoke up eagerly, Can I have the other ten? The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion & gave him 20 years. And the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again Man spoke up, Can I have the other ten? And the lion graciously agreed.

Then came the donkey & he was given 20 years, but like the other animals before him, he felt that ten years was sufficient. And once again Man asked for and received the remaining 10.

Which explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life-
10 years of monkeying around –
10 years of lion about it –
AND
10 years of making an ass of himself.

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husbands club. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing. She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, That is unbelievable, I didnt think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem…

How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with…

The other is used to carry groceries.

Estaba una señora y su hijo de cinco años, esperando para tomar un taxi; finalmente consiguen uno, se suben y mientras van andando el nene ve a una prostituta en la calle, y le pregunta a la madre:

Mamá, ¿qué hacen esas señoras con tan poca ropa?

La madre sorprendida con la pregunta responde: Esas señoras, hijo, son vendedoras ambulantes y tiene poca ropa porque no tienen mucho dinero.

En ese momento, el taxista se mete en la conversación, y la critica: ¡Pero señora!, no le mienta al chico, ¿no ve que así lo está llevando por el camino de la mentira?, hágame el favor, no le inculque malos hábitos al chico, y dígale la verdad!

Despues de eso, el taxista le contesta al chico: Esas señoras, nene, son putas.

Al oir eso, el chico le pregunta a la madre: Mamá ¿qué son las putas?

A lo que ella contesta: Las putas, cariño, son señoras que se acuestan con otros hombres que no son sus maridos, y cuando tienen hijos los hacen taxistas.

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant and a really rich sheik gets out from it followed by a harem of women, and a rooster. The party is escorted to a table and given a menu.

When time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster. One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Having
noticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster. Again the rooster eats all the apples.

When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.

The sheik explains:
I was in the desert one day and found a lamp.
It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it.
Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes…

My first wish was to have an endless supply of money.
My second wish was to have many beatiful women.
And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock!

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach.

They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel.

After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldnt be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.

After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. What took you so long? inquired the Redhead.

There were some strong currents out there! But Im here now! Am I the last? replied the Brunette.

No. Blondie is still out there somewhere. They decided to wait.

Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde What took you so long?

What do you expect? You guys cheated, replied the blonde, You used your hands!

Schedule of a Wife and Mother:

Attempt to wake husband.
Feed baby.
Make breakfast.
Change baby.
Wake kids.
Dress kids.
Walk dog.
Feed baby.
Drive kids to school.
Drag husband out of bed.
Do laundry.
Iron clothes.
Clean house.
Make husband lunch.
Feed and change baby.
Clean house again.
Walk dog again.
Pick up kids.
Pick up school stuff.
Clean up dogs mess.
Make dinner.
Call repairman, plumber, electrician, and exterminator.
Swat flies.
Yell at kids.
Put kids to bed.
Change baby.
Go to Wal-Mart to stand on line for three hours to get one bag of chips for husband.
Clean house again.
Go to bed. Get up.
Comfort baby.
Let dog out.
Change baby.
Let dog in.
Get 10 minutes of sleep.

Schedule of a Husband and Father

Sleep.
Go to work.
Sleep.
Drink coffee.
Have wife pick up.
Watch football and drink beer.
Fall asleep.
Go to bathroom.
Lift one heavy object for begging wife.
Go to bed.
Get sleep while wife feeds baby.

Los obreros jugamos al futbol.

Los directivos al tenis.

Y los jefes al golf.

MORALEJA :

Cuando más alto es el cargo más pequeñas son las pelotas.

You might be a redneck if…
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.