Old and New Jokes

Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

Their middle name.

(A joke that I heard on the radio this morning.)

President Clinton and his family went out one evening to a baseball game. When the home teams catcher heard that the president was sitting in the stands, he went over to Bill and whispered something in his ear.

Bill smiled. A few minutes later, the catcher came over and said Its time, Mr. President.

Bill lifted Hillary over his head, spun around a few times, and flung her over the railing onto the field.

The catcher, who looked surprised, ran over to the president and said, You seem to have misunderstood my request. I wanted you to throw out the first PITCH!

To clean a toilet bowl:

Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. Let the real thing sit for one hour, then brush and flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China.

To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers:

Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

To clean corrosion from car battery terminals:

Pour a can of carbonated Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

To loosen a rusted bolt:

Applying a cloth soaked in a carbonated soda to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

To bake a moist ham:

Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

To remove grease from clothes:

Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy work clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular wash cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.

It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

AND WE DRINK THIS STUFF!!

Sam and Bessie are in their 80s and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes. Seeing them on sale one day, he purchases them and comes home, asking Bessie, So, do you notice anything different about me?

Bessie responds, Whats different? Its the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants,

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out naked, just wearing the new shoes. Again he asks, So, Bessie, do you notice anything different?

Bessie again responds, Whats different, Sam? Its hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow,

Angrily Sam yells, Do you know WHY its hanging down? Because its looking at my new shoes! THATs why its hanging down!

Bessie replies, You should have bought a new hat!

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day, when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate…

And ate…and then…she ate some more! Finally, she decided shed had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas…she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

Shed found a solution! She realized if she could just become airborne shed be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor… Dead Fly…. The moral of this sad story?

Never fly off the handle when you know youre full of sh*t.

The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is

good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!



Silence.



Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and

spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!



A passenger in Coach said, Thats nothing. He should see the back of mine!

One day a man was planting flowers outside his new house when he found a bottle with a cork in it. He took out the cork and with a poof, a genie came out. I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double, said the genie.
Okay. for my first wish I want one million dollars, said the man. And, in a poof of smoke, one million dollars appeared.
Hmm… but now my ex-wife has two million dollars, said the man, But, for my next wish, I want a five-story manson." And, in a poof of smoke his house turns into a five-story manson. But now my ex-wife has a twenty-story manson, said the man.
And now, for your last wish? asked the genie. Hmmm… YES! I have the greatest wish yet. Why didnt think of this earlier?! replied the man. For my last wish, I want you to beat me half to death!!!

A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house.

The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp.

The husband asks: Did we break that too?

Yes, replies the man.

Sorry. Do you live here? the husband asks.

No, actually, Im a genie. The man states. I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, Im supposed to give you three wishes, but Im keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, whatll they be?

The husband thinks a moment: First, make my wife a better golfer.

Poof! Shes a better golfer, the genie announces.

Second, I want a million bucks a week for life.

Poof! you get a million bucks a week, the genie announces.

Good. OK, what do you want? asks the husband.

For my wish. I want to have my way with your pretty wife, grins the genie.

Hmmm, the husband hesitated, I guess thats all right. After all, she broke your lamp, youve made us rich, and our golf games will be much more interesting. Go ahead.

So the genie and the wife retire the bedroom. After several steamy hours the genie says to the wife: How long have you known your husband?

Ten years, she replies.

How long has he believed in this genie stuff?