Old and New Jokes

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, Cripes! life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For two bucks, Id take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!

Youre on! said the other old fellow, holding up two dollars. As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.

Waiting outside, his friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked old man burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

How did it go? asked his friend.

Great! he said, I WON FIRST PRIZE AS A DRIED ARRANGEMENT!!!

You might be a redneck if…
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

How do you Sink an Irish Submarine?Knock on the Door.

—- MEDIOCREWRITER —-

JOES GARAGE INC.
500 Bituminous Ave.
Sleazonia, Ont. 3N7 N5S

1/2-sided, sloppy-sectored, 5 3/8 inch droopy disk. 39 cents.

As you might expect from this programs name and price, its a
bare-bones, no-frills word processor package. What does bare bones
mean? For one thing, you dont get multiple screens – in fact, you get
no screens at all. Joe, the programs writer, claims that in about six
months an update (19 cents) will be available thatll give the program
video-display capabilities. In the meantime, youll simply have to
remember what you key in.

Another upgrade will enable you to type upper-case characters and
numbers greater than seven. But dont let these seemingly negative
comments dissuade you from buying the program. In reality, the 39 cent
price makes it good value for the money. You can for, example, use the
disk as a coaster for large beer mugs.

What are the programs good points? It contains a 3-word spelling
correction program called (predictably) MediocreSpeller. If you
misspell the words A, AND, or THE, it causes your computer to shut off
and locks the disk drive head on track 42.

MediocreWriters documentation is in keeping with the programs other
annoying features. It consists of a barely legible mimeographed sheet
with the following instructions on it:

* Turn computer on
* Insert disk
* Use program

The program is not copy protected.

Explains Joe: Who would want to copy it? And it takes little memory
space: 323 bytes. Its available for the Lemming/dos operating system
for use on Joes PC (available from Joe for $9.95).

ASST. SYSOPS COMMENTS:

In short, MediocreWriter is Joes latest attempt to write software that
works. It doesnt pretend to be anything other than what it is: the
sleeziest, most limited, bug-ridden word-processing program that exists.

Joe admits, it stinks. In addition to its lack of a video-display
capability, it has a tendency to set computers on fire and trigger
nearby automatic washing machines. It handles 21 lower-case alphabetic
characters and numbers from one to six; punctuation is limited to the
exclamation point.

The program is interactive with Joes other two packages: Lousycalc, a
1-column, 1-row spreadsheet; and RottenFiler, a database-management
program that accepts one entry. In short, I like it!

DETAILS: List price, 39 cents. Available only for Lemming/DOS on Joes
PC ($9.95); configured to drive Joes Smudge-Matrix Printer.
($14.95).

JOES GARAGE INC.
500 Bituminous Ave.
Sleazonia, Ont. 3N7 N5S
Phone 911

Byte – What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Llegan dos cazadores gringos a Colombia. Uno se va a la costa Atlántica y el otro se va para el Amazonas.

Luego de dos meses se encuentran en Bogotá y comienzan a contarse lo que habían cazado.

Empieza el de Amazonas:

Yo cazar micos, caimanes y delfines rosados.

Luego habla el que fue a la costa Atlántica:

Yo cazar flamencos, caimanes y aminocuadros.

¿Qué son aminocuadros?, pregunta el primero.

Son animales que se suben a las palmeras y que cuando están arriba y les apuntan con un arma dicen: a mí no cuadro.

A blonde once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.

She tried walking in the shallow part of the river, and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldnt get across.

After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her–across the bridge.

Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?

A: Retardo.

So, you want the day off. Lets take a look at what you are asking for…

There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 48 days leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.
This leaves you only 20 days available for work.
We offer 5 statutory holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We so generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves you only 1 day available for work and Ill be DAMNED if your going to take that day off!