This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.

Goddammit, said the man, get your damn thumb out of my food!

Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm.

Why dont you just shove it up your ass?

the man said angrily.

Thats what I do when Im in the kitchen.

Q. Why do blondes where pig tails?

A. handle bars

Llega un tipo a visitar a su compadre y lo encuentra todo jodido.

¿Compadre qué tienes? ¿Qué te pasa?, interroga el amigo.

Es que me queda sólo un mes de vida, compadre, responde aquel.

¿Pero cómo? ¿Qué tienes?, vuele a cuestionar el amigo.

El doctor me dijo que tengo SIDA, compadre. Me queda tan sólo un mes de vida.

¡No lo puedo creer!, responde asombrado el amigo.

Después de darle ánimos, el amigo se retira. La esposa que escuchó toda la conversación le reclama al marido: oye oye, es verdad que te queda un mes de vida, pero no es por el SIDA, es por el cáncer que tienes.

Sí mi vida, efectivamente es cáncer. En un mes yo me muero, pero después de lo que le dije al compadre, ¡a ti ya nadie te va a querer coger!

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFTS NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:





You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to



accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not



give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an



infringement of Microsofts rights). You may, however, let others



smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how



good it is.



If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.



Set the oven using these keystrokes:



mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat



Then enter:



ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.



If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press



start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.



If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the



ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of



the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The



oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to



your specification.



Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your



oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the



dinner from the oven and enter:



ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap



This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave



and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesnt work, contact your



oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.



Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger



than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of



which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too



large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.



Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the



chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,



call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really dont want



another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.



Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of



their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger



family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must



be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.



Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However,



that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get



thrilled in advance.



Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the



freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,



not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

She had it bronzed.

Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?

The pizza doesnt scream when you put it in an oven.

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band? A: Because he had his own drumsticks!

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.


All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, What are these, Dad?. To which the man matter-of-factly replies, Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.

Oh I see., replied the boy, pensively. Yes, Ive heard of that in health class at school. He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, Why are there 3 in this package?

The dad replies, Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.

Cool! says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks Then who are these for?

Those are for college men, the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.

WOW! exclaimed the boy; Then who uses THESE? he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March…

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed

glanced over and noticed that Teds penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

Blimey, Ed said. Ive never seen one like that before!

Like what? Ted said.

All twisted like a pigs tail Ed said.

Well whats yours like? Ted said.

Well straight like normal Ed said.

I thought mine was normal til I saw yours Ted said.

Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants.

What did you do that for? Ted said.

Shaking off the excess drops Ed said. Like normal.

Shit Ted said. And all these years Ive been wringing it!