A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesnt want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldnt have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didnt know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
Well, you really tied one on last night, she said. Whered you go?
I worked late, he said, and I stopped off for a couple of beers.
A couple of beers? Thats a laugh, she replied. You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?
What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?
Well, she replied, my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.
Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, Whats that She says, Well, its a beaver, Johnny.
The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, Mom I know what that is. Its a beaver, but I think grandmas is dead because its tongue is hanging out.
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.
A pilot, the President, Micheal Jackson, a librarian, and some kids are on a plane that is about to crash. There are just enough parachutes that one person must die.
The pilot says Well, Im the pilot so i have to live, so he jumps out with a parachute.
The President says Well Im the President and I have to run the country so i should live,
But what about the kids? said the librarian.
Screw the kids said the President.
I already did said Micheal Jackson.
One test is worth a thousand expert opinions.
The difference between philosophy and theology:
if you have an argument over
philosophy, you get red in the face. Over theology you throw
bombs.
Question: Where do you see blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde…
Answer: A naked blonde doing cartwheels!
Q: Whats more profitable: a one-story whorehouse or a two-story whorehouse?
A: A one-story whore house because theres no fuckin overhead.
Whats the difference between men and women?
Men are crabby all month long.