Old and New Jokes

Someone who thinks about doing the wild and crazy things I
actually do when no one is watching.

A primary school teacher was talking with her class.

Teacher: Mary, what did you do at lunch?

Mary: I played with my doll, Miss.

Teacher: Mary, If you can spell doll, you can go home early.

Mary: D O L L

Teacher: Correct. Brian, what did you do at lunch?

Brian: I played with my ball, Miss.

Teacher: Brain, If you can spell ball, you can go home early.

Brian: B A L L

Teacher: Correct. Rangi, what did you do at lunch?

Rangi: I got hassled by all the other kids for being black, Miss.

Teacher: That sounds like Racial Discrimination. Rangi, If you can spell
Racial Discrimination…

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a
train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying I know that,
in your religion, youre not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever
tasted it?

The Rabbi said, I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, Your religion,
too…I know youre suposed to be celibate. But….

The priest replied, Yes, I know what youre going to ask. I have succumbed
once or twice.

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he
was reading and said, Better than pork, isnt it?

He who laughs last thinks slowest

There is no rest for the wary.

The young lady entered the doctors office carrying an infant.
Doctor, she explained, the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.
The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the ladys breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.
Young lady, he finally announced, no wonder the baby is losing weight, you havent any milk!
Of course not! she shrieked. Its not my child, its my sisters!

A swedish man was bored. He was bored with his work, bored with his life in

general. He felt as there was nothing waiting for him in this life…

…until one day, in the breakfast table, he was reading the morning paper,

when he saw an article, which would change his life. It said:

…Scientists had found out, that somewhere in Africa, one could still

find tribes of genuine cavemen, untouched by civilization. Only thing

needed was to find the correct cave and shout Wohoo!! and the tribe would

answer to this call.

This is it! the swede thought. This is what Ive been waiting for! Ill

sell everything I own, go to Africa, find these cavemen, and become rich

and famous!

And so he did. He sells everything, moves to Africa and starts looking for

the tribe. But cave after cave after cave, no answer. No cavemen.

Until one day, yet another cave, and another yell: Juhuuu!! And then he

heard it! WWOOOOUU WOOOOOO !!!!

Härregud! The Swede thought, A whole tribe! And just as he was starting

to run to the cave, he thought: Now wait a minute. These are cavemen. They

dont wear any clothes, and I might scare then off.

So he stripped his clothes off quickly, and started to run into the cave.

And the following day, he was in the headlines all over th world:

Naked Swede ran over by a train in Africa

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, Ive got news for you. Youre going straight to hell! The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, Good heavens, Im on the wrong bus!

Sir, I want your daughters hand in marriage. Do you have any objections?

None at all, boy. Take the hand thats always in my pocket.

Ok this idiot of the first order is invited for a game of golf for the first time, while in another country.

Hes totally enamoured with the golf ball because hes never seen anything like it before so he carries like, 30 of them back home to give away as souveniers.

While passing through the customs on his way back, the customs officer whos perhaps a bigger idiot than this guy, notices his pockets bulging with all these golf balls and cant figure it out. So he asks our man, What the hell is all this?!

To which he replies, Oh theyre just golf balls.

So the customs officer goes, Oh oh! You mean like tennis elbow?