Q. What does a black person and a shiny red apple have in common?

A. They both look good hanging from a tree.

Note: This joke caused American Express to send us a cease and desist letter
ordering us to take it down. Full details, including my amusing response,
in this blog entry

You are invited to become a member of the American Expressway, one of the
newest and most innovative road systems in America. There are many advantages
to the American Expressway over the standard tollways, parkways, highways
and freeways but by far the biggest advantage is:

/* OK, we wont have a Punny week again in a long time… 🙂 */

It was a warn Southern California evening when the jury reached a verdict in the O. J. Simpson case. The nation was anxiously awaiting the jurys verdict and newsmen were rapidly arriving on the rumors that the decision would finally be announced. At that moment, Judge Ito was in his backyard Bar-B-Qing filet mignon for the familys evening dinner. The bailiff phoned the Ito residence and when Mrs. Ito answered, requested that the Judge be notified and suggested that the judge should return to the court house as soon as possible. Mrs. Ito refused the bailiffs request because, she insisted, HIS HONOR WAS AT STEAK.

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, Why, Mike, this wouldnt be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?

That it is, Mike replied grimly, ever since I arrested Judge Ito on his way to the masquerade ball.

You mean you pinched his honor? asked Pat.

How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume. demanded Mike.

Well, mused Pat, tis life and theres a lesson in this somewhere.

That there is, replied Mike. TIS WISE NEVER TO BOOK A JUDGE BY HIS COVER.

Noren Eron, the great Norse comic decided to bring his act to America. He booked several shows in the northern states and did well. He then took his act down south, but he realized that the farther south he went, the less the crowd appreciated his act which had the poor guy miffed. When he got to the Deep South, no one got his act at all. After many disappointing sets, he just quit one night and returned to Norway. This goes to show you, … You should never book a miffed Norse in the south.

This was the day that could be the most important day in my career. I had rented three adjoining rooms at the Four Seasons Hotel, where we hoped to work out an agreement that would result in a merger of our firms. I expected some heavy social drinking during our meetings and went to the liquor cabinet to ensure that it was properly stocked. To my horror and chagrin, I found the cabinet filled with bottles of Angastora and little else. I called the manager and demanded that the bottles be removed and the liquor cabinet be better stocked. He refused stating, You have to take the bitters with the suite.

Once again, received from Stan The Pun Man Kegel.

A man and a woman were in 2 different cars. The man was going up the mountainside. The woman was going down the mountainside. Then the woman yells out – Pig!. The man then yells back – Hoe! They both continue on, until the man smashes his car into a pig!

Whats the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman, and a hooker with diahrrea? Well, one shucks between fits.

Whats the difference between a nun and a fat lady? Ones tryin to diet, and the others dyin to try it…

Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment. So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?" The boy stood up and said, "35." "Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked. "He looked at the secound boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, "75." "That is good," the preacher replied. He didnt want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impedement said I-I-I s-s-sold 175. The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them

Hi. Im Mike. Id like to (sex) tell you about some weird psychological phenomenon (sleep with me) that has been in the media forefront (Im your love slave) in the past few years. Im talking about subliminal suggestion.

Subliminal suggestion (buy me a car) is a technique in which the subconscious is made aware of a concept by having it exposed (and a stereo) to them too fast or in a way the the conscious mind can pick (you want me) up. Thus, the person so suggested (my room 8PM tonite) finds himself doing something that he ordinarily wouldnt do (bring clean sheets).

This technique was often seen being used (Ill get the champagne) in movie theatres, where one frame of a film would have a message like Buy the popcorn. (and the condoms). This one frame goes by so fast the the conscious mind cant possibly assimilate it (I have incredible stamina), but many believe that the subconscious picks it up and causes the mind (I really want you) to act on it.

Does it really (all night is not out of the question) work? Who knows … (and we can bring the stuffed animals and the jello and the peanut butter and the nylon rope and watch I Love Lucy reruns and do things that theyll have to invent new names for when were done and then we can sleep for 3 hours and do it all again) The jury is still out on that one.

Thanks for your time and patience.

The old farmers mule had finally died of old age just before spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy another mule. His $125 didnt buy much, but he was satisfied with his purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed to keep it overnight for him. Early the next day, the old man returned. Jim, said the mule dealer, that old mule died last night. Im real sorry to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring garden. The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim refused because a bargain was a bargain. He loaded the dead mule on his truck and left. A couple of months later, the mule dealer happened to drive by Jims place and was astonished to see Jim working his garden on a new $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn, he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had managed to buy a tractor when, not too long ago, all he had was the $125 that hed spent on the dead mule. Well, Jim explained, After leaving with the mule, I had this idea. So, I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000 $2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize: Gardening Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around town. Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment from Jim? From you… No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize. I got it from you… Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule. I know, thats what I raffled off. My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! Ill bet that really ticked them off when they realized the mule was dead. Nope, not really… the only one really ticked off was the winner, so I gave him his money back.

Why didnt the mouse cross the road?

Its cord wasnt long enough!

God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining to his subordinates ……………
Everything should be in balance. For every 10 deer there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension…. And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes…. And here is south America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests… So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.
One of the angels asked… God, what is this beautiful country here?
God said Aha…that is the crown piece of all. INDIA. My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live. Technologically brilliant and with a heart of gold…..
The angel was quite surprised But God you said everything should be in balance.
God replied Look at the neighbours I gave them