The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)
10.This is a message from God Gates: Rebooting the world. Please log off.
11.To shut down your system, type WIN.
12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
13.COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20.User Error: Replace user.
21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 – Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)
22.Welcome to Microsofts World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…
23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesnt it feel nice to have security?
24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
You look hot, my son, said the cleric. Why dont you rest a moment, and Ill give you a hand.
No thanks, said the young man. My father wouldnt like it.
Dont be silly, the minister said. Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and Ill give him a piece of my mind!
Well, replied the young farmer, hes under the load of hay.
A degenerate disease.
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four hundred and sixty-two:
twelve to investigate Clintons involvement in the failure of the old bulb,
twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry,
sixteen to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D,
thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light bulbs,
fifty-three to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb,
forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead, and
two hundred and eighty-three to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything) on the Internet.
A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute.
For $200, Ill perform any act for you, she tells him, provided that
you can describe the act in 3 words.
The man thinks about the offer for less than a moment and gives the woman
$200. OK, tell me what you want me to do but remember, only in three
words, she tells him.
The man, who has been quiet throughout the exchange says, Paint my house.
Joe Barone
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana?
A: Elephant banana sin theta in the mutually perpendicular direction.
An elderly Jewish man was admitted to the local hospital, which happened to be run by a Catholic order. All the nurses were nuns.
One of the nurses was preparing his records and she asked him who would be responsible for his bill.
I dont have any money, the old man told her.
Do you have any family?
I have one sister who changed her religion and became a nun, so shes an old maid.
Ill have you know that were not old maids, the nurse protested. Were married to Christ.
In that case, the old man replied, send the bill to my brother-in-law.
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book – The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant.
The English book – Elephants I have shot on Safari.
The Welsh book – The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book – How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants.
The Japanese book – How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants.
The Greek book – How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money.
The Finnish book – What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People.
The German book – A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-
6.
The Icelandic book – Defrosting an Elephant.
The Swiss book – Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants.
The Canadian book – Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book – How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to think deeply and come up with a real gem, such as Well there you are, standing on a chair, changing a lightbulb. Here we see the difference between a cat and a dog. If you have a cat, it looks up at you, thinks What are you doing ?, and walks off. But if you have a dog, its looking up at you and thinking Well, I dunno what youre doing, but I love you anyway.
Van a fusilar a Clinton, a Fidel y al Presidente de Tontilandia por ciertos fraudes y lo peor es que los van a fusilar en la mismÃsima Tontilandia. Empiezan por Clinton, y cuando ya está todo a punto, se pone a gritar:
¡Terremoto, un terremoto! ¡Corran por su vida!
Total, que todos los del peloton echan a correr y Clinton se escapa. Cuando le toca el turno a Fidel, se pone a gritar:
¡Un huracán! ¡Se acerca un huracán! ¡Todos a cubierto!
Y también se escapa. Entonces le toca el turno al Presidente de Tontilandia, todo el pelotón apuntándole, y entonces se pone a gritar con todas sus fuerza:
¡¡Fuego, fuego!!