Old and New Jokes

Looking back over the years that weve been together,
I cant help but wonder:…
— What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!…
— Too bad no one likes your wife.

How could two people as beautiful you….
— have such an ugly baby?

Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love…
— After having met you, Ive changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion in my life…
— I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
— that youre not here to ruin it for me.

As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts youve given me…
— Like the need for therapy.

Thanks for being a part of my life!!!…
— I never knew what evil was before this!

Before you go,…
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
— Youll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married…
— but not to you.

You look great for your age…
— Almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said youd die for me…
— Now that weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.

I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend…
— So heres his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

We have been friends for a very long time…
— What do you say we call it quits?

Im so miserable without you…
— Its almost like youre here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…
— Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…
— Id miss you heaps and think of you often.

Ive learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

A doctor was holding a new baby that he had just delivered.

The baby looked up at him and said, Are you my father?

The doctor said, No, I am the doctor that delivered you. Then the doctor handed the baby to the nurse.

While the nurse was cleaning the baby the baby looked at the nurse and said, Are you my father?

The nurse said, No, I am just the nurse. Then the nurse gave the baby to the new father.

The baby looked at him and said, Are you my father?

The new father said proudly, Yes! I am your father.

Then the baby started poking his father in the forehead over and over again and said, So how do YOU like it?!

Dear Abby: I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancees mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred … then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door… There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their little test was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

You might be a redneck if…
Your back porch is bigger than your house.

Two guys were walking down the sidewalk in their neighborhood, and one turned to the other and asked Did you hear about the new girl who moved into the old King house?

No replied the other guy is she pretty?

She like a brickhouse! answered the guy, and every brick is in the right place!

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

But I paid, dont you remember? says the customer.

Okay, says the bartender, If you said you paid, you did.

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender cant keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, If you say you paid, Ill take your word for it.

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.

Dont bother me with your troubles, the final patron responds. Just give me my change and Ill be on my way.

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender give us two beers over here!

The bartender walks over and sees the octopus and he says, Didnt you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!

The man says to the bartender, oh but you dont understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.

The bartender replied back, well Ill tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!

The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.

The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. Hes so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!

The bartender was amazed and says, alright lets try one more.
This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says lets see him play this!

The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.

The bartender shouted out See I knew he couldnt play all these instruments!

And the man replies, Just give him a few more minutes…
as soon as he figures out he cant have sex with it, hell play it!

a supposedly true story from:

Bermant, G. (1976). Sexual behavior: Hard times with the Coolidge
Effect. In M. H. Siegel & H. P. Zeigler (Eds.), /Psychological
Research: The inside story/ (pp. 76-103). New York: Harper & Row.

One day the President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government
farm. Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate tours.
When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in
charge if the rooster copulates more than once each day. Dozens of
times, was the reply. Please tell that to the President, Mrs.
Coolidge requested.

When the President passed the pens and was told about the
roosters, he asked, Same hen every time? Oh no, Mr.
President, a different one each time. The President nodded
slowly, then said, Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.

You might be a redneck if…
You think a Volvo is part of a womans anatomy.