Old and New Jokes

Rere are some new state slogans… Enjoy!

AlabamaYes, We Have Electricity
Alaska11,623 Eskimos Cant Be Wrong!
ArizonaBut Its A Dry Heat
ArkansasLiteracy Aint Everything
CaliforniaBy 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
ColoradoIf You Dont Ski, Dont Bother
ConnecticutLike Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Dont Own It Yet
DelawareWe Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
FloridaAsk Us About Our Grandkids
GeorgiaWe Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism
HawaiiHaka Tiki Mou Shaami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
IdahoMore Than Just Potatoes … Well Okay, Were Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
IllinoisPlease Dont Pronounce the S
Indiana2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
IowaWe Do Amazing Things With Corn
KansasFirst Of The Rectangle States
KentuckyFive Million People; Fifteen Last Names
LouisianaWere Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But Thats Our Tourism Campaign
MaineWere Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
MarylandIf You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
MassachusettsOur Taxes Are Lower Than Swedens (For Most Tax Brackets)
MichiganFirst Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota10,000 Lakes … And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
MississippiCome And Feel Better About Your Own State
MissouriYour Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
MontanaLand Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies And Very Little Else
NebraskaAsk About Our State Motto Contest
NevadaWhores and Poker!
New HampshireGo Away And Leave Us Alone
New JerseyYou Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New MexicoLizards Make Excellent Pets
New YorkYou Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney …
North CarolinaTobacco Is A Vegetable
North DakotaWe Really Are One Of The 50 States!
OhioAt Least Were Not Michigan
OklahomaLike The Play, Only No Singing
OregonSpotted Owl … Its Whats For Dinner
PennsylvaniaCook With Coal
Rhode IslandWere Not REALLY An Island
South CarolinaRemember The Civil War? We Didnt Actually Surrender
South DakotaCloser Than North Dakota
TennesseeThe Educashun State
TexasSi, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
UtahOur Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
VermontYep
VirginiaWho Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Dont Mix?
WashingtonHelp! Were Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.Wanna Be Mayor?
West VirginiaOne Big Happy Family … Really!
WisconsinCome Cut The Cheese
WyomingWhere Men Are Men … and the sheep are scared!!!

(Forwarded by an American friend of Italian descent).

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If you have one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDAS 98 with a background picture of the East River with a floating body. It is shipped with a NYPD BLUE screensaver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Garbitch
My Computer is called My Freakin Computer,
Dialup Networking is called Good Fellas,
Control Panel is known as the da Tote Board,
Hard Drive is referred to as da trunk, and …
Floppies are them little Freakin plastic disc tings.
Instead of an error message you get a winda covered with steel bars and Grafitti.

OTHER FEATURES:

WINDOWS 98WINDAS 98
OKdo it I tell ya
Cancelhell no
Resetdis is ya last chance
Yesa kay
Nona
Findturn dis place ova
Insertstick it in dere
Deleterub it out
Helpcan I get some help here
Stopya betta quit it
Startlets get a move on
Settingsda Fix
Programsstuff
Documentsstuff dat I already done

Also note that windas 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to windas 98:

WINDAS 98WINDOWS 98
SecritaryA word processor
Pitcha makera Graphics program
Numberscalculator
Scratch papernotepad
Boom-boxCD player
Da WebMicrosoft Explorer
pitchasA graphics viewer
IRSM/S accounting software
IRS2M/S accounting software with hidden files
BookieRace track records tax records – usually an empty file
graffitiscreen saver
Red Light DistrictInternet connection
VinnisDiscount computer repairs

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Brooklyn edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

You dont need a partner to juggle
Having blue balls isnt a bad thing
Jugglers arent judged by the size of their balls
Dont have to wear protection
Dont have to worry about how many other people your partner has juggled with
After juggling, you can do it again right away
Easier to keep your balls in the air for long periods of time
Dont need nine months to recover from a mistake
When you finish, your balls are still as hard as when you started
Dont have to worry if your juggling partner is a minor

The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer.

A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it.

But youve got no arms… you cant do this job! says the church leader.

The new applicant shouts back – Sure I can… Ill do it with my mouth!

So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.

He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead.

Hes lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him.

Who is that guy? one person says.

I dont know says another, but his face sure rings a bell…

Lots of things go on during Spring Break as the college students let off a little steam. This one student was arrested for indecent exposure in a field near the beach, and was appearing before a Judge.

I plead not guilty your honor, I only went there to get relieved. he testified.

Well, Im inclined to accept your explanation. said the Judge. I guess some allowances must be made for emergencies.

Thats true to a point, your Honor. said the arresting officer. But what about this young lady here who relieved him?

Q: Why did God create Adam before creating Eve?

A: Because every great artist makes a rough copy before he creates the masterpiece.

The Twelve Days of Chemistry

On the first day of chemistry
My teacher gave to me
A candle from Chem Study.

(second day) two asbestos pads
(third day) three little beakers
(fourth day) four work sheets
(fifth day) five golden moles
(sixth day) six flaming test tubes
(seventh day) seven unknown samples
(eighth day) eight homework problems
(ninth day) nine grams of salt
(tenth day) a ten page test
(eleventh day) eleven molecules
(twelfth day) a twelve point quiz

Manolo y Pepe querían cruzar el Canal de la Mancha nadando, 40 Km más o menos. Salen de Francia y a los 10 Kilometros Manolo dice:

Pepe, no doy más.

Sigue Manolo, que despues estamos en los Records Guinnes.

A los 20 Km dice:

No doy más Pepe, no doy más.

Sigue, sigue, que ya hicimos la mitad.

Y así siguen. Cuando faltaban 100 metros para llegar Manolo le dice:

No, Pepe, yo ya no siento las piernas. Perdóname, pero yo me vuelvo.

Manolo llega a su casa y encuentra a la Pilarica, su mujer, refocilándose con otro. Trémulo, amenaza:

¡Ahora mismo me tiro del quinto piso!

Pero, Manolo, si la casa es de una sola planta…

¡No me importa, me tiro 4 o 5 veces y ya está!, grita despechado.

Al Gores wife held a press conference today at the White House where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Al, and wearing no panties.



Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied Read my lips. No more Bush