Old and New Jokes

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket.

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, Theres some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.

As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?

The boy replied, Canada, sir.

Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada? asked the manager. The boy replied, Theyre all just whores and hockey players up there.

My wife is from Canada!!

The boy replied, Really?? What team did she play for?

Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A. Lickalotapuss

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

* Lermans Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.

Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

* Murphys First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffmans Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Millers Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, youll want to be doing something else.

* Weiners Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Isaacs Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* Kennys Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a persons name, you will pick the wrong one.

Corollary – If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to

eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the

bottom of the grocery bag.

* Yeagers Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.

Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumbers day off.

* Lampners Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

* Quiles Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

* Loftus Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they dont know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

* Lovkas Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.

Heres a very old joke we like to tell in England i hope you like it:

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says: Why the long face?

Aladdin had 3 wishes and bin Laden only has 1 – a death wish.

He who hesitates is probably right.

I just cant find the cause for your illness, said the internist at the college clinic. Frankly, I think its due to drinking.

Thats OK Doc. I understand. replied the student. Ill come back when youre sober.

Digger Phelps Words of Wisdom

From the NCAA Tournament:

Basketball is a game of two halves.

We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins.

Youre either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle.

Hes like all great players — not great yet.

You dont score 86 points without being able to shoot.

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.