Old and New Jokes

Girl to Doctor: Doctor, Help! My brother thinks hes a chicken!

Doctor: How long has this been going on?



Girl: About a year.

Doctor: Wow! Why didnt you tell me sooner?



Girl: Because we needed the eggs!

You might be a redneck if…
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

The snowblower was on its way.

Unos espermatozoides se encuentran en los testículos y había uno, llamado Manolo, que siempre quedaba último en la carrera hacia el óvulo. El pobre les daba pena a los demás y por eso un día decidieron dejarle ganar.

Llegó el día y se dió el pistoletazo de salida. Todos salieron disparados y el pobre Manolo se empezó a quedar rezagado, así que los demás frenaron para dejarle ganar. Manolo los adelantó a todos y pletórico se puso primero. Poco a poco fue llegando a la luz que veía al final del túnel y salió disparado finalmente por el agujero final gritando:

¡¡Agarradme que es una paja…!!

A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head where driving down the road, when a cop starts to chase them.

They rush off and crash into the side of a barn, they immediately jump out of the car and hide under potatoe sacks.

The cop runs in after them, and the first potatoe sack he comes to the brunette is under. He kicks it and the brunette says, MEEEEOOOOOOW, and the cop says, Oh! Its just a stupid cat.

He then moves to the potatoe sack the red-head is under and kicks it. The red-head replies, ROOF, ROOF, the cop, angry now, says, STUPID DOG!!

Then the cop gets to the potatoe sack the blonde is under, he kicks it with great force and the blonde creams, POOOOOOTAAAAAAATOOOOOOOE!

A rather well-proportioned secretary (the blonde), spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. Shed hardly begun when she heard someone run-ning up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

Excuse me, miss, said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. The Hilton doesnt mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.

What difference does it make, Joan asked rather calmly. No one can see me up here, and besides, Im covered with a towel.

Not exactly, said the embarrassed little man. Youre lying on the dining room skylight.

A Soviet visitor to Budapest says to his Hungarian host, You must have such
terrible shortages. The astonished Hungarian asks why he thinks so. The
Soviet visitor replies, Because you have no queues!

From Suddenly, The American Idea at Home and Abroad, George F. Will,
1990, The Free Press, New York.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

Is it a boy or girl Gorilla? the service guy asks.

Boy, is the mans response.

Oh yeah, I can do it. Ill be right there, says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: Now, Im going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorillas testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.

The man asks, What do I do with the shotgun?

The service guy replies, If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.

What is grosser than gross?

Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt?

Theorem: n=n+1

Proof:
(n+1)^2 = n^2 + 2*n + 1

Bring 2n+1 to the left:
(n+1)^2 – (2n+1) = n^2

Substract n(2n+1) from both sides and factoring, we have:
(n+1)^2 – (n+1)(2n+1) = n^2 – n(2n+1)

Adding 1/4(2n+1)^2 to both sides yields:
(n+1)^2 – (n+1)(2n+1) + 1/4(2n+1)^2 = n^2 – n(2n+1) + 1/4(2n+1)^2

This may be written:
[ (n+1) – 1/2(2n+1) ]^2 = [ n – 1/2(2n+1) ]^2

Taking the square roots of both sides:
(n+1) – 1/2(2n+1) = n – 1/2(2n+1)

Add 1/2(2n+1) to both sides:
n+1 = n