Old and New Jokes

How do you get a man to leave when you want?

Ask him about his feelings.

En un reino el rey busca a su hija por todos lados, después de tanto buscar la encuentra en el granero en una orgía, con un campesino un militar y un cura.

Desesperado el rey, después de formarle tremendo pedo, le dice a la hija que se tiene que casar con uno de ellos, a lo que la hija contesta que los quiere a los tres. El rey sale hablar con los tres tipos y les dice que el que le diga la frase que mas le impacte con las palabras valiente y brillante se casará con su hija.

Viene el cura y dice: valiente soy yo, brillante es mi altar, pum pum hacen las campanas al resonar.

Bien, dice el rey, viene el militar y dice: valiente soy yo, brillante el la punta de mi espada, pum pum hacen mis cañones en los campos de batalla.

Excelente dice el rey aplaudiendo, viene el campesino y piensa concha de la madre y ahora que digo, bueno, que sea lo que dios quiera

Y dice:

Valiente soy, brillante es la cabeza de mi pija, pum pum hacen mis huevos contra la concha de su hija.

Stage 1 – SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesnt matter how much you bet cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, youre BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because youre still SMART you know all the words.

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island. The wife begins to lose interest in her husband and wishes on a star that she would find another man. The next day a man is washed on shore. He is very nice looking and finds immediate interest in the wife. The husband was very pleased that there was another man to help work.
So they started on building a watchtower. The stranger and wife wanted to have mad passionate sex on the beach. So he tried to think of a plan. SO then the stranger offered to watch first from the watchtower. While the husband and wife worked, the stranger yelled, Hey! No screwing! Get back to work!

At this, the couple yelled back, Were not screwing!

A little while later the man again yelled out to them. And again the couple denied it. This happened several times during his shift up in the watchtower, and when his turn was over, the husband took over. With that, the stranger made love to the wife on the beach. The husband, watching, exclaimed, Wow, it really does look like theyre screwing from up here!

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

a) Lovemaking

b) Screwing

c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after youve
both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship

b) Your blood-test results

c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first

b) You both climax simultaneously

c) You dont miss Sports Center

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healthy, creative love-play

b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to

c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman youve just had sex with
is:

a) The best part of the experience

b) The second best part of the experience

c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says shes gained five pounds in weight in the last
month. You tell her that it is:

a) Not a concern of yours

b) Not a problem – she can join your gym

c) A conservative estimate

7. You think todays sensitive, caring man is:

a) A myth

b) An oxymoron

c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetizer is to entree

b) Priming is to painting

c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?

a) I hope we can still be friends.

b) Im not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone….

c) Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy

b) Is uptight and a waste of time

c) Shouldnt have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.

If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy, youre still
a little confused.

If you answered C more than 7 times, call me up. Lets go drinking.

Im going fishing. Really means : Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid, then stand by a stream with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in complete safety.

Lets take your car. Really means : Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers, and is completely out of gas.

Woman driver. REally means: Someone who doesnt speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures, and has a better driving recorder than me.

I dont care what color you paint the kitchen. Really means: As long as its not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise, or any other color besides white.

its a guy thing. Really means: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

Can I help with dinner? Really means: Why isnt it already on teh table?

Uh-Huh, Sure, Honey, or Yes, dear. Really Means: Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response like Pavlovs dog drooling.

Good idea. Really means: Itll never work. And Ill spend the rest of the day gloating.

Have you lost weight? Really means: Ive just spend our last thrity dollars on a cordless drill

My wife doesnt understand me. Really means: Shes heard all my stories before and is tired of them.

it would take too long to explain. Really means: I have no idea how it works.

Im getting more exercise lately. Really means: The batteries in the remote are dead.

I got a lot done. Really means: I found Waldo in almost every picture.

Were going to be late. Really means: Now I have a legitimate excutes to drive like a maniac.

Hey, Ive read all the classics. Really means: Ive been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.

You cook just like my mother used to. Really means: She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.

I was listening to you. Its just that I have things on my mind. Really means: I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra

Take a brea, honey, youre working too hard. Really means: I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

Thats interesting, dear. Really means: Are you still talking?

Honey, we dont need material things to prove our love. Really means: I forgot our anniversary again.

You expect too much of me. Really means: you want me to stay awake.

Its a really good movie Really means: Its got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.

Thats womens work. Really means: Its difficult, dirty, and thankless.

Will you marry me? Really means: Both my roommates have moved out. I cant find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.

Go ask your mother. Really means: I am incapable of making a decision.

You know how bad my memory is. Really means: I remember the teme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

I was just thinking about you, and I got you tehse roses. Really means: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

Footbal is a mans game. Really means: Women are generally too smart to play it.

Oh, dont fuss. I just cut myself, its no big deal. Really means: I have actually severed a lim, but I will bleed to death before I admit Im hurt.

I do help around the house. Really means: I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

Hey, Ive got my reasons for what Im doing. Really means: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I cant find it. Really means: It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.

What did I do this time? Really means: What did you catch me at?

What do you mean, you need new clothes? Really means: You just bought new clothes three years ago.

Shes one of those rabid feminists. Really means: She refused to make my coffe.

But I hate to go shopping. Really means: Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.

No, I left plenty of gas in teh car. Really means: You may actually get it to start.

Im going to stop off for a quick one with the guys. Really means: I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest-pounding, mouth-breathing, preevolutionary companions.

I heard you. Really means: I havent the foggiest clue what you said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next three days yelling at me.

You know I could never love anyone else. Really means: I am used to the way you yell at me, and I realize it could be worse.

You look terrific. Really means: Oh, God, please dont try on one more outfit. Im starving.

I brought you a present. Really means: it was free ice scraper night at the ball game.

i missed you. Really means: I cant find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we are out of toilet paper.

Im not lost. I know exactly where wer are. Really means: No one will se us alive ever again.

We share the housework. Really means: I make the messes, she cleans them up.

This relationship is getting too seroius. Really means: I like you more than my truck.

I recycle. Really means: We could pay the rend with the money from my empties.

Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful. Really means: Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?

It sure snowed last night. Really means: I suppose your going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.

Its good beer. Really means: It was on sale.

I dont need to read the instructions. Really means: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

Ill fix the garbage disposal later. Really means: If I wait long enough youll get frustrated and buy a new one.

I broke up with her. Really means: She dumped me

Ill take you to a fancy restaurant. Really means: Somepalce that doesnt have a drive-through window.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Willa!
Willa who?
Willa you marry me!

A Redneck Valentine …author unknown

Collards is green my dogs name is Blue and hes all I know of thats purdier than you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze Softer than Blues and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You aint got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yore as satisfyn as okry jist a-fryn in the pan Yore as fragrant as snuff right out of the can.

You have soma yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when were in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, Im in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yore there fer yore man, to patch up lifes troubles and fix what you can.

Yore as cute as a junebug a-buzzin overhead. You aint mean like them far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Aint nuttin I lack. Yore complexion, its perfection, like the best vinyl sidin. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin.

Me n yous like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentines Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, its romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. Thats awsum, I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market stand.
Diamonds are forever, they explain, proud an grand.

But for this man, honey, these gifts jus wont do. Cause yore far too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds… ITS A NEW TROLLIN MOTOR!!

A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.

Say, how old are you anyway?

the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.

Thirteen, she replied with a shy smile.

Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?

he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, Superstitious, huh ?

Un tipo llega de noche a un hotel y pide una habitación. El encargado le informa:

Sólo tengo una cama, en un cuarto compartido, pero nadie la quiere. Lo que pasa es que el otro huésped ronca muy fuerte.

Sí es sólo eso, no hay problema, acepta el viajero. Toma la llave, sus maletas y sube a la habitación.

A la mañana siguiente, el hombre baja de lo más contento y descansado. Intrigado, el encargado le saluda:

Buenos días. ¿Durmió bien?

Perfectamente, gracias.

¿Y el señor de los ronquidos?

Él no pegó un ojo en toda la noche. Apenas ahora debe estar quedándose dormido.

¿Cómo dice?

Verá usted: anoche lo primero que hice al entrar en la habitación fue plantarle tremendo besote en la boca. Después de eso él se pasó toda la noche con los ojos abiertos como platos y el trasero pegado a la pared.