Old and New Jokes

Dam!

A good husband is the light of his wifes life. But some wives are getting fed up with seeing their lights go out every night!

Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?
A: Shoot four of them.

Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

What is the difference between a good Lawyer and a great Lawyer?

Answer: A good Lawyer knows the law and a great Lawyer knows the Judge!!!

What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? FULL

YESTERDAY

—————

Yesterday,

All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,

Theres not half the files there used to be,

And theres a milestone

hanging over me

The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong

What it was I could not say.

Now all my datas gone

and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,

The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,

Now I believe in yesterday.

============================================

Songs to program by…

Eleanor Rigby

———————

Eleanor Rigby

Sits at the keyboard

And waits for a line on the screen

Lives in a dream

Waits for a signal

Finding some code

That will make the machine do some more.

What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie

Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;

Isnt it fun?

Look at him working,

Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;

It takes a while…

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby

Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;

Feels like a jerk.

Guru MacKenzie

Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;

Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

===================================

Unix Man (Nowhere Man)

————————————

Hes a real UNIX Man

Sitting in his UNIX LAN

Making all his UNIX plans

For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)

Cares not where /dev/null goes to

Isnt he a bit like you

And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)

My lpd(8) is missin

UNIX Man

The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

Hes as wise as he can be

Uses lex and yacc and C

UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, dont worry

Test with time(1), dont hurry

UNIX Man

The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

Hes a real UNIX Man

Sitting in his UNIX LAN

Making all his UNIX plans For nobody …

Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.

==================================

Write in C (Let it Be)

————————————

When I find my code in tons of trouble,

Friends and colleagues come to me,

Speaking words of wisdom:

Write in C.

As the deadline fast approaches,

And bugs are all that I can see,

Somewhere, someone whispers:

Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,

Write in C, oh, Write in C.

LOGOs dead and buried,

Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,

For science it worked flawlessly.

Try using it for graphics!

Write in C.

If youve just spent nearly 30 hours,

Debugging some assembly,

Soon you will be glad to

Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,

Write in C, yeah, Write in C.

BASICs not the answer.

Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C

Write in C, oh, Write in C.

Pascal wont quite cut it.

Write in C.

=========================

Something

————————

Something in the way it fails,

Defies the algorithms logic!

Something in the way it coredumps…

I dont want to leave it now

Ill fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,

A pointers got to be corrupted.

Stepping in the debugger will show me…

I dont want to leave it now

Im too close to leave it now

Youre asking me can this code go?

I dont know, I dont know…

What sequence causes it to blow?

I dont know, I dont know…

Something in the initializing code?

And all I have to do is think of it!

Something in the listing will show me…

I dont want to leave it now

Ill fix this tonight I vow!

Police in Ohio USA became suspicious of a man, providing them with a urine sample for a drug test, after officers noticed the sample was cold. They were even more astounded to find that the laboratory analysis indicated that the man was also very pregnant.

A Canadian police force drove a second hand patrol car around the city for over a year before finding out that it was actually a stolen vehicle.

A salesman in Australia sold over 5,000 tickets for a Conway Twitty concert before realising the singer died five years ago. Now he has had to refund all the disappointed fans their money.

An Australian expert in social skills, who believes in the power of a firm handshake, is being sued after breaking the fingers of four of his victims.

A Buddhist monk in Cambodia has been thrown out after he was caught singing in a karaoke bar in the city.

French fire fighters were called to deal with a fire in the engine of a delivery truck, which was loaded with fire extinguishers.

A man in Italy was shot with a tranquilliser dart by zoo keepers after he walked through the town dressed as a gorilla for a fancy dress party. The animal experts rendered the convincing lookalike unconscious as he walked the city streets during the evening.

ORIGAMI
Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you cant even get it out of the drive?

SMOKE
Use cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.

PIRANHAS
If you dont have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of caring for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.

MAGNETS
They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you cant find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.

MAIL
Put a disk in an envelope and dont write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and thats all.

MAGIC TOUCH
Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.

DONT USE ANY ENVELOPE
Archive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.

DONT MAKE BACKUPS
Of course, if you dont have any security copy, you wont have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original.

SUPREME STUPIDITY
It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, youll find new methods to add to this list.

This is a true story, not a UL. Honest.

Years back, when my son was about 18 months old, I, my wife, and the kid
would go out for a hot fudge sundae every week, and split it three ways.
On one occasion, after I placed the order, the nubile young lady in the
local Baskin Robbins asked (with a bright smile that could have been
coquettish or merely polite) Would you like your nuts wet or dry, Sir?

I immediately choked. This was, after all, exactly the kind of line
every male dreams of. Then I glanced at my wife, who was glaring back at
me with a crimson complexion. Swallowing hard, I got a grip on my
libido.

Uh… No nuts, I replied. No nuts at all.