Old and New Jokes

Tim scrambled backward rapidly, trying to avoid the Barneys outstretched hand. The great purple paw swept by a foot in front of him. The Barney looked at its hand, as if surprised to see it was empty. Then it took a step forward by placing its left foot on the ground next to the thermal pool.

The silica surface gave way, and the Barneys foot dropped into a scaulding cauldron of hissing team and surging water. It yanked its foot out quickly, and hopped around on its good one for several seconds. The ground quaked violently with its exertions. New cracks appeared in the volcanic field, and geysers sprang from them. The road bucked under Tims feet. He grabbed onto the Explorer to maintain his balance.

The Barney stopped jumping and looked at its foot, where blisters were already beginning to form. Its smile was gone, and its expression was becoming more sour by the second. Tim hoped it would say a dirty word.

A smile returned to the Barneys face as it looked at Tim. Hello, there! Do you know that you can get a really, REALLY bad burn if you walk on the ground near a geyser or a hot spring? The ground can be very thin in these areas, and you can fall through and get hurt! Remember to stay on the roads and the designated walkways when you are in these areas. If you are with an adult, like your mommy or daddy, hold hands while you are here. Dont forget that I want you to have a fun and safe time while you are visiting me, cuz I LOVE YOU!

No way! Huh-huh, huh-huh. You suck! Heh-heh, heh-heh, heh-heh.

The Barney appeared to be puzzled. Suck what? it asked.

Uuuuuuuuuuh … huh-huh, huh-huh, huh-huh, what a wuss! Huh-huh, huh-huh.

After several seconds of digesting Tims commentary, the Barney decided to go with what it knew. Why dont we sing a song? it suggested.

Sing something cool! Huh-huh, huh-huh. Yeah! Sing some rap! Heh-heh, heh-heh. Rap kicks ass! Huh-huh, huh-huh.

Rap?

Yeah, like that song by NWRBA: Spread Em, Bitch, An Lemme Do Ya. Heh-heh, heh-heh. I like the video, with all those black chicks with big thingeys and, like, no clothes on. Thats cool. Huh-huh, huh-huh. I like the explosions where they kill all the cops. Heh-heh, heh-heh. Yeah, thats cool. Huh-huh, huh-huh.

Uh, I dont think I know that one. How about this?

Stay on the sidewalk, thats where you want to be

Stay on the sidewalk, where you can be with me–

Shut up! That sucks! Huh-huh, huh-huh. What a wuss! He should sing with George Michael! Heh-heh, heh-heh. Yeah. Go away! Huh-huh, huh-huh.

What did you say? the Barney asked in disbelief.

Get lost! Go away! We dont want to listen to you! Huh-huh, huh-huh. Uh, were, like, going deaf and stuff. Go away! Huh-huh, huh-huh.

You really mean it?

Yeah. Get out before I kick your ass! Heh-heh, heh-heh, heh-heh.

The Barney seemed to sniff the air for a moment. Perhaps I should leave, it said pensively. It turned its back and began to trudge away, limping slightly. Something seemed to be lurking in its shadow, but a wind-borne cloud of steam prevented a good look at the figure.

Tim was only aware of the retreating Barney. Whoa! Did you see that, Beavis? Huh-huh, huh-huh. Yeah! Does this mean we kick ass? Heh-heh, heh-heh. It sure does, Beavis. Huh-huh, huh-huh.

When Grant, Ellie and Malcolm arrived a moment later, they found Tim in the center of the road, playing air guitar and bellowing out chords from Ironman.

Jurassic Park II Created by Edward Ostigny eostigny@herc.dnet.ge.com.

Reprinted with permission by Thomas R. James james@muppet.dnet.ge.com.

Characters based on the Michael Crichton novel Jurassic Park

Estaba Jesús platicando con San Pedro en el Cielo, cuando de pronto Jesús se asoma entre una nube y le pregunta a San Pedro:

¿Qué es eso que se ve allá abajo a lo lejos?

Eso, señor, es una limosina Lincoln Town Car.

¿Y eso qué es?

Bueno, señor, es un vehículo con interiores de piel, mide más de 3 metros de largo y tiene servicio de bar en su interior.

¡Ah! ¿Y de quién es?

Bueno, señor, ese vehículo es propiedad de nuestro arzobispo en Nueva York.

Y eso que se ve más allá, ¿qué es?

Señor, eso es un Mercedes Benz. Es un carro hecho con tecnología alemana de punta, y vienen ya con computadoras que casi manejan el carro automáticamente con una tarjeta maestra.

¡Ah! ¿Y de quién es?

Ese carro, señor, es el vehículo de nuestro arzobispo en Alemania.

Sigue Jesús caminando y se detiene. Nuevamente pregunta:

¿Y aquél también es un Mercedes?

No, señor, eso es un Rolls Royce. Es uno de los carros más caros de mundo. Vestiduras de piel. Sistema blindado. Chapa de madera de cedro en su interior y está totalmente detallado a mano. De hecho, ese carro es de nuestro arzobispo en Inglaterra.

¡Caray, San Pedro, y pensar que este negocio lo empezó mi padre en un burrito!

Knock Knock





whos there





roses are red vileots are





roses are red vileots are who





no roses are read vileots are blue not who

Proofreading.

Woman: I have a problem.

Doctor: Well, are you regular?

Woman: Yes I am. Every day I do a number one at 7:30 in the morning and a number two at 8:30.

Doctor: So, whats the problem?

Woman: I dont get up until 9:30!

You might be a redneck if…

Fewer than half of your cars run.

Youve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

Youve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didnt seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the US of A, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didnt you greet me?"

Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 days!"

You can GET chocolate.
If you love me youll swallow that has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate wont mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called
nasty names.
The word commitment doesnt scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of you workbench/desk during working
hours without upsetting your co-workers.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You dont get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate theres no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesnt make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
With chocolate size doesnt matter; its always good!
You can fondle chocolates in a supermarket.
…and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
Chocolates can get away any weekend.
With a chocolate you can get a single room.
…and you wont have to check in as MRS. Chocolate.
A chocolate will always respect you in the morning.
You can go to the movie with a chocolate … and see the movie.
You can have as many chocolates as you can handle.
Chocolates stay hard for a week.
You only eat chocolates when you feel like it.
Chocolates wont write your name and number on the mens room wall.
Chocolates wont ask: Am I the best? How was it?
Chocolates wont ask about your last chocolate…
…or speculate about your next one.
A chocolate will never make a scene because there are other chocolates
in the refrigerator.
A chocolate wont mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes.
No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh chocolate.
Chocolates can handle rejection.
Chocolates can stay up all night…
…and you wont have to sleep in the wet spot.

A lady walks into a store and asks the clerk for a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of chocolate and a gallon of strawberries the clerk says i dont have any chocolate so the lady says ok ill take a quart of each and the clerk tells her again i dont have any chocolate so the lady asks for a pint of each and now the clerk is getting really mad and he tells her to spell the van in vanilla so she goes v-a-n so the clerk goes spell the stracw in strawberries so she goes s-t-r-a-w and the clerk goes spell the fuck in chocolate and the lady goes there is no fuckin chocolate and the clrek goes thats what ive been trying to tell you!