Did you ever think, when a hearse rolls by,
That you may be the next to die?
They wrap you up in a nice clean sheet,
And drop you down about six feet deep.
All goes well for about a week,
And then your coffin begins to leak.
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,
The worms play pinnacle on you snout.
They eat your clothes, they eat your hat,
They crawl in skinny and crawl out fat!
Juega el Real Madrid y la Universidad en el Estadio Azteca en México, y hay mucha gente en las afueras del estadio, y sobretodo, filas largas en las taquillas.
Y en una de estas filas se encuentra formado un gallego que llegó a apoyar al Real, y lleva como tres horas esperando llegar hasta la taquilla. Cuando ya sólo le faltan tres personas para llegar a ella, oye que le gritan:
¡HEY VENANCIO, HEY VENANCIO!
Y se sale de la fila y ve para todos lados, y nuevamente,
¡HEY VENANCIO!
Ve para todos lados y nada.
Cuando intenta regresar a su lugar ya perdió su puesto en la fila, y la gente lo manda hasta el final. Va de nuevo el gallego, y luego de esperar otras tres horas, cuando ya esta por llegar a la taquilla, nuevamente oye:
¡HEY VENANCIO!
Y nuevamente se sale de la fila, y lo mismo, pierde su lugar y lo mandan de nuevo hasta el final de la fila. De nuevo otras tres horas de espera, y cuando ya está por llegar, oye de nuevo:
¡HEY VENANCIO!
Y sale de la fila, pero ahora responde:
¡HOMBRE, PERO COMO HARE PARA DECIROS QUE YO NO ME LLAMO VENANCIO!
If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one youve never tried before. * Change is inevitable….except from vending machines. * Dont sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things. * A fool and his money are soon partying. * Money cant buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. * Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands…. * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse….itll be a great trade! * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least its the scenic route. * Id kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. * Everybody repeat after me….We are all individuals. * Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts….On the last Geraldo. * Chastity is curable, if detected early. * Dont be sexist; broads hate that! * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. * Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Eagles may soar, but weasels arent sucked in jet engines. * Borrow money from pessimists….they dont expect it back. * Beware of geeks bearing gifs. * Half the people you know are below average. * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. *
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. * If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving definitely isnt for you.
Two gay men, Lance and Julian, were taking a shower together, being boyfriends. Lance glances over at Julian and notices a puddle of cum around Julians feet. Lance says, Dammit, Julian!!! What the Fuck did I tell you about farting in the shower?!
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.
The husband gave his wife a gift – a tombstone, with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE – COLD AS EVER.
Later the furious wife bought a return present – also a tombstone –
in which the inscription read :HERE LIES MY HUSBAND – STIFF AT LAST.
Author unknown – a good joke which is circulating among teachers.
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could imagine.
Children, Id like you to close your eyes and taste these, announced the teacher.
Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
Ill give you a hint, said the teacher. Its something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, Spitem out, you guys, theyre assholes!
It wears a tag that says I-da-Ho
Llega una señora forastera a la panificadora del pueblo y, al ver a un panadero trabajar, se horroriza y corre a acusarlo con el dueño:
¡Cómo es posible tanta asquerosidad! Ese panadero de allá, el que está todo sudoroso, para ponerle el chipotito a los bisquets se los pone contra el ombligo. ¡Si hubiera visto usted semejante barbaridad!
Uy, seño, usté ni aguanta nada. ¡Lo viera haciéndole el agujero a las donas!
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
Hell do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
Hes a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay.
Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: Perhaps Willie Nelson and John Cougar Mellencamp will stage a benefit concert outside my barn to raise funds to replace the missing machinery.