Old and New Jokes

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. Grandpa, what are you doing? he exclaimed.



The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist? he asked again.



The old man slyly looked at him and said, Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandmas idea!

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, I dont have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!

To that the man asks, Anything??

And the blonde says, Yes, anything!!

With that, the man says, Follow me.

He walks into the next room and tells her, Come in and close the door.

She does.

He then says, Get on your knees.

She does.

He then says, Take down my zipper.

She does.

He then says, Go ahead, take it out.

With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, Well, go ahead!

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, Hello…Mom?

BEPPO SINGH NEEDS VITAMINS FOR GRANDSON.

Beppo Singh: Id like some vitamins for my grandson.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

Beppo Singh: Any will do, my grandson doesnt know the alphabet yet!!

Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth guy ducks.

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolfs nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santas weight and balance calculations for the sleds enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in, fastened his seat-belt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santas surprise, a shotgun.

Whats that for? Santa asked.

The examiner winked and said, Well, Im not supposed to tell you this, but youre going to lose an engine during take-off.

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, Do you have Viagra?

Yes, he answered.

She asked, Does it work?

Yes, he answered.

Can you get it over the counter? she asked.

I can if I take two, he answered.

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, a good friend of mine was waiting for her bus. Shes very attractive and was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldnt!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him How dare you touch me!! I dont even know who you are!

At this, the big guy drawled, Well maam normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!

Whats an Australian kiss?

The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!