Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…

You see a sign that says bridge out and you try to jump it.

You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.

Warp drive describes the condition of your car.

Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.

You go to the dentist for a Tooth Cleaning.

You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.

Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday and you like it.

Coons get into everyone elses trash but yours.

When you say, Lets hit the hay, you actually MEAN it.

You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonalds Extra Value Meal.

Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.

You have a clawfoot bathtub.

Youve ever been arrested for bootleggin.

You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.

Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite.

Burger King wont let you do it your way, right away.

You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but cant remember your wife’s birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.

You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but cant remember how old your children are.

Your idea of going to see a play involves goal posts.

You think a computer hacker carries an axe.

Q: Four gay men walk in a bar to
have beer they find only on chair. What do they do to all sit down?

A: They turn the chair upside down and sit on the legs.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesnt matter, hes not going to come anyway.

Q: Whats worse than a democratic president running foreign affairs?

A: Two democratic presidents running foreign affairs.

Source – Some sick demented BMC I used to know…

A Sailor and a Marine are taking a leak in the head. The Sailor finishes and goes for the door. The Marine finishes and heads for the sink.

He calls out to the Sailor, Hey! Aren t you going to wash you hand? In The Corps they taught us to wash up afterwards.

The Sailor replies, Well, in the Navy they just told us not to piss on our hands.

A Marine walks in to the head. A little boy who was on his way out looks at him, smiles, and asks, Are you a REAL Marine?

The Marine replies, Why yes I am son… Say – you want to wear my hat?

The boy replies, Sure mister!, and put the hat on his head. As the Marine entered a stall the boy placed himself on guard duty by the door. Shortly, a Sailor entered the head.

The little boy again looked up, smiled, and asked, Are you a REAL Sailor?

The Sailor replied, Why yes I am… You wanna suck my dick?

The little boy quickly took the hat off his head and said, Oh no – Im not a real Marine – Im just wearing his hat!

Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One, but itll probably take him 12 versions to get it right.

1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.

2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you,but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Lets show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?

3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?

4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, youre starting to upset us! If you sign off now, well bring back your buddy list, OK?

5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but cant you just finish up and go read a good book?!

6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names?

7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line?

8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord!

9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is??

10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives

9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit.

11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didnt think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke!

12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off?

13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already!

14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM… See job application enclosed!

Un enano, muy enano, va a una casa de putas y pregunta en la recepción:

¿Tiene putas de 500 ptas.?

La meretriz recepcionista le dice que suba a la octava planta. El liliputiense sube las escaleras; abre la puerta de la octava planta y se encuentra en la cama a una negra de 350 kilos, en pelotas, que le susurra:

Acércate, pequeñín.

La morena abre las piernas de par en par; coge al enano por las orejas lo pone delante del chichi y le pide:

¡Cómetelo!

¡A mí no! ¡A mí no!, responde gritando el hombrecillo.

Una pobre mujer acude a visitar a su marido al reclusorio.

Cuando por fin se ven los dos, el hombre le pregunta cosas como: ¿Como estan mis hijas? ¿Como estás? ¿Me extrañan?. Pero el pobre recluso al darse cuenta que su señora està muy triste le pregunta:

¿Qué tienes?

Entonces la mujer le confiesa:

Lo que pasa es que 50 años son muchos y fui con el director de la cárcel a ver si no podía bajarle un poquito

¿Y qué pasó?

Pues que luego luego empezó a hacerme proposiciones indecorosas…

¿Y qué hiciste tu?

Y ella le contesta:

Pues ya vámonos…

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, Mummy, what is that long thing?

His mother replies, That son, is the elephants trunk.
No, at the other end.
That son is the tail.
No, mummy, the thing under the elephant.
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, Thats nothing.

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. Daddy, what is that long thing?

Thats the trunk, son replies the father.
No at the other end.
Oh, that is the tail.
No, no daddy, the thing below, asks the son in desperation.
That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?
Well mummy said it was nothing, says the boy.
Replies the father: I tell you, I spoil that woman …