Q: What do you do if the washing machine breaks down
A: Slap the bitch
10
Apr
10
Apr
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
10
Apr
One day a Sardarji talking with his friend…….
Sardarji: We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or we will not be able to communicate with my child.
Friend: Is it! Why?
Sardarji: We have adopted a telugu child and it will start to speak after 6 months.
10
Apr
A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along
came a woman who, seeing the two cute babies, smiled, Arent they cute. What
are their names?
The man, giving the lady an angry look, replied, I dont know.
The lady asked again, Well, are they boys or girls?
The man, now looking angrier than before, replied, I really dont know.
The woman then started to scold the man, What kind of a rotten father are you?
The man sneered, I am not their father! I am just a condom salesman and these
are two complaints that I am taking back to my company!
09
Apr
New Policy on Twelve Days
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days
09
Apr
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?
Sure that sounds great! said Julie.
Well, how much do you want me to pay you? asked the man.
Is fifty bucks all right? Julie asked.
Yeah, great. Youll find the paint and ladders youll need in the garage.
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house? asked the wife. Well, she must, she was standing right on it! her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door.
Im all finished, she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?
Yeah, Julie replied, I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
Oh, and by the way, said Julie, Thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.
09
Apr
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopters window. The pilots sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.
09
Apr
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, Oh, my God! Help me!At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, I thought you didnt believe in Me!Come on God, give me a break!! the man pleaded. Two minutes ago I didnt believe in the Loch Ness monster either!
08
Apr
Whats grosser than gross? Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.
Whats even grosser than that? When one of them throws up.
08
Apr
Two Polish guys are walking down the street sharing insights. The smarter of the two sees a dog lying down and licking his balls. The less intelligent of the two says to his friend, Dont you wish you could do that?
The second guy replies, Dont you think he would bite me?