Old and New Jokes

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

* Lermans Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.

Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

* Murphys First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffmans Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Millers Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, youll want to be doing something else.

* Weiners Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Isaacs Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* Kennys Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a persons name, you will pick the wrong one.

Corollary – If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to

eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the

bottom of the grocery bag.

* Yeagers Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.

Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumbers day off.

* Lampners Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

* Quiles Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

* Loftus Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they dont know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

* Lovkas Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.

Heres a very old joke we like to tell in England i hope you like it:

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says: Why the long face?

Aladdin had 3 wishes and bin Laden only has 1 – a death wish.

He who hesitates is probably right.

I just cant find the cause for your illness, said the internist at the college clinic. Frankly, I think its due to drinking.

Thats OK Doc. I understand. replied the student. Ill come back when youre sober.

Digger Phelps Words of Wisdom

From the NCAA Tournament:

Basketball is a game of two halves.

We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins.

Youre either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle.

Hes like all great players — not great yet.

You dont score 86 points without being able to shoot.

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: What do the female reindeers do when the male reindeers go out with Santa on Christmas Eve?

A: They go into town and blow a few bucks.