Old and New Jokes

Because people are dying to get in!

What do Chinese people name their retarded children?

Som Ting Wong

Plato:

For the greater good.
Karl Marx:

It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli:

So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chickens dominion maintained.
Hippocrates:

Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in itspancreas.
Jacques Derrida:

Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT,DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada:

Give me ten minutes with the chicken and Ill find out.
Timothy Leary:

Because thats the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams:

Forty-two.
Nietzsche:

Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North:

National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner:

Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung:

The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre:

In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein:

The possibility of crossing was encoded into the objects chicken and road, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein:

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle:

To actualize its potential.
Buddha:

If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.
Howard Cosell:

It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali:

The Fish.
Darwin:

It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson:

Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus:

For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:

It didnt cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe:

The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway:

To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg:

We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume:

Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson:

Cause it (censored) wanted to. Thats the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic:

What road?
Ronald Reagan:

I forget.
John Sununu:

The Air Force was only too happy to provide thetransportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity. The
Sphinx:

You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau:

To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain:

The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

A couple of years ago, the following joke was told at a Mensa gathering:

Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, I think not. And he vanished.

A another gathering some time later, a second part of the joke was noted:

Heisenburg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, Did you see that? To which Heisenburg replied, I cant be certain.

This weekend, when I attempted to take this joke even further, we came up with a couple more people at the bar:

The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, Its all relative.

Then the bartender noticed that Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar? Sagan replied, No. Why there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there.

So, now its your turn. Who else was there at the bar, and what did they have to say, or what happened to them?

How do you get a man to leave when you want?

Ask him about his feelings.

En un reino el rey busca a su hija por todos lados, después de tanto buscar la encuentra en el granero en una orgía, con un campesino un militar y un cura.

Desesperado el rey, después de formarle tremendo pedo, le dice a la hija que se tiene que casar con uno de ellos, a lo que la hija contesta que los quiere a los tres. El rey sale hablar con los tres tipos y les dice que el que le diga la frase que mas le impacte con las palabras valiente y brillante se casará con su hija.

Viene el cura y dice: valiente soy yo, brillante es mi altar, pum pum hacen las campanas al resonar.

Bien, dice el rey, viene el militar y dice: valiente soy yo, brillante el la punta de mi espada, pum pum hacen mis cañones en los campos de batalla.

Excelente dice el rey aplaudiendo, viene el campesino y piensa concha de la madre y ahora que digo, bueno, que sea lo que dios quiera

Y dice:

Valiente soy, brillante es la cabeza de mi pija, pum pum hacen mis huevos contra la concha de su hija.

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island. The wife begins to lose interest in her husband and wishes on a star that she would find another man. The next day a man is washed on shore. He is very nice looking and finds immediate interest in the wife. The husband was very pleased that there was another man to help work.
So they started on building a watchtower. The stranger and wife wanted to have mad passionate sex on the beach. So he tried to think of a plan. SO then the stranger offered to watch first from the watchtower. While the husband and wife worked, the stranger yelled, Hey! No screwing! Get back to work!

At this, the couple yelled back, Were not screwing!

A little while later the man again yelled out to them. And again the couple denied it. This happened several times during his shift up in the watchtower, and when his turn was over, the husband took over. With that, the stranger made love to the wife on the beach. The husband, watching, exclaimed, Wow, it really does look like theyre screwing from up here!

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

a) Lovemaking

b) Screwing

c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after youve
both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship

b) Your blood-test results

c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first

b) You both climax simultaneously

c) You dont miss Sports Center

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healthy, creative love-play

b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to

c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman youve just had sex with
is:

a) The best part of the experience

b) The second best part of the experience

c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says shes gained five pounds in weight in the last
month. You tell her that it is:

a) Not a concern of yours

b) Not a problem – she can join your gym

c) A conservative estimate

7. You think todays sensitive, caring man is:

a) A myth

b) An oxymoron

c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetizer is to entree

b) Priming is to painting

c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?

a) I hope we can still be friends.

b) Im not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone….

c) Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy

b) Is uptight and a waste of time

c) Shouldnt have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.

If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy, youre still
a little confused.

If you answered C more than 7 times, call me up. Lets go drinking.

Im going fishing. Really means : Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid, then stand by a stream with a stick in my hand while the fish swim by in complete safety.

Lets take your car. Really means : Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers, and is completely out of gas.

Woman driver. REally means: Someone who doesnt speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures, and has a better driving recorder than me.

I dont care what color you paint the kitchen. Really means: As long as its not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise, or any other color besides white.

its a guy thing. Really means: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

Can I help with dinner? Really means: Why isnt it already on teh table?

Uh-Huh, Sure, Honey, or Yes, dear. Really Means: Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response like Pavlovs dog drooling.

Good idea. Really means: Itll never work. And Ill spend the rest of the day gloating.

Have you lost weight? Really means: Ive just spend our last thrity dollars on a cordless drill

My wife doesnt understand me. Really means: Shes heard all my stories before and is tired of them.

it would take too long to explain. Really means: I have no idea how it works.

Im getting more exercise lately. Really means: The batteries in the remote are dead.

I got a lot done. Really means: I found Waldo in almost every picture.

Were going to be late. Really means: Now I have a legitimate excutes to drive like a maniac.

Hey, Ive read all the classics. Really means: Ive been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.

You cook just like my mother used to. Really means: She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.

I was listening to you. Its just that I have things on my mind. Really means: I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra

Take a brea, honey, youre working too hard. Really means: I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

Thats interesting, dear. Really means: Are you still talking?

Honey, we dont need material things to prove our love. Really means: I forgot our anniversary again.

You expect too much of me. Really means: you want me to stay awake.

Its a really good movie Really means: Its got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.

Thats womens work. Really means: Its difficult, dirty, and thankless.

Will you marry me? Really means: Both my roommates have moved out. I cant find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.

Go ask your mother. Really means: I am incapable of making a decision.

You know how bad my memory is. Really means: I remember the teme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

I was just thinking about you, and I got you tehse roses. Really means: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

Footbal is a mans game. Really means: Women are generally too smart to play it.

Oh, dont fuss. I just cut myself, its no big deal. Really means: I have actually severed a lim, but I will bleed to death before I admit Im hurt.

I do help around the house. Really means: I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

Hey, Ive got my reasons for what Im doing. Really means: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I cant find it. Really means: It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.

What did I do this time? Really means: What did you catch me at?

What do you mean, you need new clothes? Really means: You just bought new clothes three years ago.

Shes one of those rabid feminists. Really means: She refused to make my coffe.

But I hate to go shopping. Really means: Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.

No, I left plenty of gas in teh car. Really means: You may actually get it to start.

Im going to stop off for a quick one with the guys. Really means: I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest-pounding, mouth-breathing, preevolutionary companions.

I heard you. Really means: I havent the foggiest clue what you said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next three days yelling at me.

You know I could never love anyone else. Really means: I am used to the way you yell at me, and I realize it could be worse.

You look terrific. Really means: Oh, God, please dont try on one more outfit. Im starving.

I brought you a present. Really means: it was free ice scraper night at the ball game.

i missed you. Really means: I cant find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we are out of toilet paper.

Im not lost. I know exactly where wer are. Really means: No one will se us alive ever again.

We share the housework. Really means: I make the messes, she cleans them up.

This relationship is getting too seroius. Really means: I like you more than my truck.

I recycle. Really means: We could pay the rend with the money from my empties.

Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful. Really means: Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?

It sure snowed last night. Really means: I suppose your going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.

Its good beer. Really means: It was on sale.

I dont need to read the instructions. Really means: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

Ill fix the garbage disposal later. Really means: If I wait long enough youll get frustrated and buy a new one.

I broke up with her. Really means: She dumped me

Ill take you to a fancy restaurant. Really means: Somepalce that doesnt have a drive-through window.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Willa!
Willa who?
Willa you marry me!