10
May

Be Careful Wishing

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes, said the genie, But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over.

The mans most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones.

Lets see. My first wish is…

He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, …to live in a ten story luxury mansion.

The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable. said the man.

There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

What is your final wish, Master? asked the genie.

I want to lose a testicle, said the man.

10
May

Lousy Lover

The guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was suing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to his grounds for the suite.

Can you belive my wife says Im a lousy lover? sputtered the husband.

thats why youre suing? asked the lawyer.

Of course not. Im suing because she knows the difference.

10
May

Stupid Elephant Jokes

How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

Footprints in the butter!

09
May

Question and answer Christmas joke

Q: Olive?
A: Yeah, you know, Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names

09
May

Prostitute Parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

What do they say?, the priest asked.

They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?

Thats terrible, the priest exclaimed, But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

Thank you. said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,

Put the bibles away our prayers have been answered

09
May

The easiest way to find

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

09
May

Blondes and chocolate chip cookies.

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

A: 30 – 1 to make the batter and 29 to peel the smarties.

09
May

Marriage and Divorce joke #11029

A woman hurries home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!!!

The husband says, Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?

Doesnt matter, she says. Just get the hell out!

09
May

Praying Parrots

Praying Parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but They only say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?

Thats terrible!, the priest exclaimed, Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!

09
May

Poop on Valentines Day

Hearts and roses and kisses galore…

What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer

It is definatley the most annoying day of the year

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass

Before i shove a dozen roses up Cupids ass

Ill spend the day so drunk I cant speak

And wear all black for the rest of the week

Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade

For all they are doing is trying to get laid

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit

Because I think love is a crock of shit

So heres my story…what else can I say?

Love bites my ass…Poop on Valentines Day!