Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Dune Coons does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Three – one to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool, but they need a foreign adviser to tell them it was burned out.

Note: I presume a Dune Coon means a 3rd world peasant.)

Era una anciana que tenía un perico y le dice: Si viene el lechero le dices que sí, si viene el periodiquero le dices que sí.

La anciana se va y a los pocos minutos llega el lechero y le dice ¿quieres leche? y el perico le dice que sí, en eso llega el periodiquero y le dice ¿quieres el periodico? y el perico le dice sí, entonces pasa un borrachito y le dice ¿quieres que te pegue unos trancazos?, el perico le dice sí y el borracho le pega hasta cansarse.

A la mañana siguiente la anciana, viendo como estaba de golpeado el pobre perico, le dice: A todos los que vengan les dices que no.

Y bien, llega el lechero y el perico le dice que no, llega el periodiquero y el perico le dice que no. En eso llega el borrachito y le dice ¿te dolieron los trancazos?

Y el perico le dice: NO…

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.



Wow, this is great, he thought. It wasnt long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.



Hey, he called. Im a rabbit from the laboratory and Ive just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? Yes. Come and join us, they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. What else do you wild rabbits do? he asked. Well, one of them said. You see that field there? Its got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them. This, he couldnt resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.



Later, he asked them again, What else do you do? You see that field there? Its got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well. The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. Is there anything else you guys do? he asked.



One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. Theres one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. Theyre girls. We have sex with them. Go and try it. Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.



That was fantastic, he panted. So are you going to live with us then? one of them asked. Im sorry, I had a great time but I cant. The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. Why? We thought you liked it here.



I do, our friend replied. But I must get back to the laboratory. Im dying for a cigarette.

Many years agao, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod –one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.

The Jewish lady said, But your sign says that you have vacancies. The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town…

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, Ill have you know, I converted to your religion.

The desk clerk said, Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.

How was Jesus born?

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.

Very good, replied the hotel clerk. Tell me more.

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, He was born in a manger.

Thats right, said the hotel clerk. And why was he born in a manger?

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, Because a jerk like you in the hotel

wouldnt give a Jewish lady a room for the night!

…is walking late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
Twenty bucks she says.
Hes never been with a hooker before, so he decides what the hell.
Theyre going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on
them. Its a police officer.
Whats going on here, people? asks the officer.
Im making love to my wife he answers indignantly.
Oh, Im sorry, I didnt know says the cop.
Well, neither did I until you shined that light in her face.

Ever since I turned 30, my moms vocabulary seems to have gradually shrunk. It now consists of only about five words, usually arranged to form this question: When are you getting married?

If I had a nickel for every time Ive heard the question, Id be able to afford a mail-order bride. Maybe even one who can speak English.

My mom and others ask the marriage question so often, Im tempted to tattoo the answer on my forehead: Im a journalist, not a psychic.

But if I did that, my mom and I would never talk. Shed just look at my forehead and shake her head. And her expression would say: Where did I go wrong with this child?

Sometimes, just for fun, I feel like scaring my mom by saying I wont get married until one of these things happen:

Ken Starr completes his investigation.
Ross Perot produces a chart-topping rap song, My name is Ross, just call me boss. When I become your president, the interns will be more hesitant.
Ellen Degeneres and Elton John fall madly in love – with each other.
A pair of Amish men are arrested for selling drugs. (OK, this already happened. But I still dont believe it.)

Its not that I dont believe in marriage. I just believe it should involve two people who love each other so much, theyre willing to risk living together.

Its certainly a big risk. If the marriage goes sour, you can lose some of your most prized possessions. Just ask John Bobbitt.

But I could be wrong about the importance of love. After all, millions of people in my native country, India, believe in arranged marriages, even though such marriages sometimes produce children like me.

The families of the bride and groom usually do the arranging, uniting two people who hardly know each other. The honeymoon is like a first date, except youre certain to get past first base.

To many Americans, an arranged marriage may seem more like a deranged marriage. But such marriages tend to last. Divorces in India are as rare as hamburger joints.

Like me, most Americans believe in falling in love before marriage. Many even believe in falling in bed before marriage. The only mystery left for the honeymoon is whether the hotel accepts American Express.

Considering the soaring divorce rate, such marriages are more suspect than O.J. Simpson.

So maybe David Weinlick has the right idea. About four years ago, the Minnesota man got tired of people asking when he was going to get married. So he just gave them a stock answer: June 13, 1998. He even planned the entire wedding, the first man ever to do so. But an essential part of the wedding was missing. No, not the wine — the bride. Weinlick, 28, decided to let his friends pick his bride, after they interviewed a couple of dozen women in several states, including the state of desperation. He married the bride-elect, Elizabeth Runze, before 2,000 shoppers at the Mall of America. And he was all smiles afterward. That could mean the wedding was a big success, or perhaps Weinlick had been licking too much wine.

by Melvin Durai

A Sultan, whose loves grew so vastly,

Just couldnt love any steadfastly.

Someone asked him in fun,

If hed slept twice with one.

He replied, Just the thought is most ghastly.

Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:

At age 4, success is not peeing your pants At age 16, success is gettin a little At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding

At age 35, success is about career and family

At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings At age 65, success is gettin a little At age 80, success is not peeing your pants!

Dice Bonifacio a un amigo:

Me casé con mi mujer hace veinte años. Al principio la besaba y abrazaba tanto que ella temía que la asfixiara.

¿Y ahora?

Ahora creo que eso es lo que voy a hacer.

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! Im sick of her, and I?m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her, and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, dont do a single thing, do you hear me?

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and theyre paying their own way!