Its Saturday morning and Bobs just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. Hello? says a little girls voice. Hi, honey, its Daddy, says Bob. Is Mommy near the phone? No, Daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank. After a brief pause, Bob says, But you havent got an Uncle Frank, honey! Yes, I do, and hes upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy! Okay, then. Heres what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my cars just pulled up outside the house. Okay, Daddy! A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. Well, I did what you said, Daddy. And what happened? Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now shes all dead. Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank? "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now hes dead too. There is a long pause.Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?
You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when any of your children were born!
Yo mamas teeth are so yellow, I cant beileve its not butter!!!
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), If you dont have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain His financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big time.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, How much for a ride to the airport, he asked?
Fifteen bucks, came the reply. And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?
What?! Get the hell out of my cab.
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked How much for a ride to the airport?
The cabbie replied, Fifteen bucks.
The businessman said ok and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver in line.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands.
Two men applied for the job… One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well.
Then one day the ranchers wife said to the hired hand, You have done a really good job and weve both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and Im taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same.
The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The ranchers wife had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasnt home yet, so she decided to wait up for him.
One oclock and no hired hand yet. Two oclock and no hired hand and she began to worry. At two-thirty in came the hired hand. The ranchers wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her. Now Im the boss, she said, and you have to do what I tell you, right?
Well… yes, he answered.
Then unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. He did as she asked.
Now take off my boots. He did.
Now take off my socks. He did.
Now take off my skirt. He did.
Now take off my bra. Again he did as she asked.
Now take off my panties. And again he did what she told him.
Then she looked at him and said, Dont you ever wear my clothes to town again!
– Your twin sister forgets your birthday.- You wake up face down on the pavement.- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.- You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.- You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.- You turn on the TV news and theyre displaying emergency routes out of your city.- The woman youve been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.- Your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels on the freeway.- You have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up.- Your doctor tells you, Well, I have bad news and good news…
The manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman.
“How many customers did you serve today?” the manager asked.
“One,” replied the new guy. “Only one?” said the boss, “how much was the sale?”
The salesman answered, “$58,334.”
Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain.
“First I sold a man a fishhook,” the salesman said. ”Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then i asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast. So I suggested hed need a boat — he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said his Volkswagon might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department and sold him a big SUV.”
The amazed boss asked, “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?”
“No,” the new salesman replied. “He actually came in for a bottle of asprin for his wifes migraine. I told him, ‘Your weekends shot. You should probably go fishing.’”
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Genoa!
Genoa who!
Genoa any new jokes?