Old and New Jokes

Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth guy ducks.

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolfs nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santas weight and balance calculations for the sleds enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in, fastened his seat-belt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santas surprise, a shotgun.

Whats that for? Santa asked.

The examiner winked and said, Well, Im not supposed to tell you this, but youre going to lose an engine during take-off.

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, Do you have Viagra?

Yes, he answered.

She asked, Does it work?

Yes, he answered.

Can you get it over the counter? she asked.

I can if I take two, he answered.

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, a good friend of mine was waiting for her bus. Shes very attractive and was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldnt!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him How dare you touch me!! I dont even know who you are!

At this, the big guy drawled, Well maam normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!

Q: What do you do if the washing machine breaks down

A: Slap the bitch

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

One day a Sardarji talking with his friend…….

Sardarji: We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or we will not be able to communicate with my child.

Friend: Is it! Why?

Sardarji: We have adopted a telugu child and it will start to speak after 6 months.

A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along
came a woman who, seeing the two cute babies, smiled, Arent they cute. What
are their names?

The man, giving the lady an angry look, replied, I dont know.

The lady asked again, Well, are they boys or girls?

The man, now looking angrier than before, replied, I really dont know.

The woman then started to scold the man, What kind of a rotten father are you?

The man sneered, I am not their father! I am just a condom salesman and these
are two complaints that I am taking back to my company!