Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but itll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.
17
Apr
17
Apr
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
107. Tell your roommate, Ive got an important message for you. Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you cant remember what the message was. Later on, say, Oh, yeah, I remember! Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
17
Apr
5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines
1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just cant hold it in.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and Ill give you the meat.
17
Apr
It was the first camping experience for Jed. As
soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a
hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he
rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled.
What happened? asked a fellow camper.
I was chased by a black snake! cried the frightened Jed.
The camper laughed and retorted, A black snake isnt deadly.
Listen, groaned Jed, If he can make you jump off a
fifty-foot cliff, he is!
17
Apr
Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men are led to a gravesite next to the water. "You have two choices of death," says the chief. "We either will kill you as a coward, or we will let you die honarable deaths for your homelands. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes." The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this shoots himself. The next man, a warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese man. The last man asks for a fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest."I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!"
16
Apr
In October 1993, in Iran, where celebratory gunfire is traditional at weddings, a guest named Rasool lost control of his automatic weapon at a wedding in the Lorestan province, accidentally killing six people and wounding fourteen of them.
I think Ill stick to the tradition of throwing rice–it seems much less dangerous.
16
Apr
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
Meet Patti.
16
Apr
A Priest and a Rabbi were talking one day.
And the conversation eventually turned as it always did, to the Rabbis Piety.
The Priest kept on urging him,Come on Rabbi, this is the 21st century. Why dont you lighten up? When are you going to break down and have a ham sandwich?
The Rabbi looked at him at length and replied,At your wedding, Father. At your wedding!
15
Apr
Al llegar al cine con la novia, le dan a cada uno un ladrillo y un palo; el ladrillo para sentarse y el palo para espantar a las cucarachas.
Ya en el cine, la novia se descuida y se le entra una cucaracha en su vagina. El novio la lleva lo mas rápido posible al ginecólogo. Al llegar le dicen lo que pasó y el doctor contesta dieciendole al novio que vaya a dar una vuelta y regrese.
Al regresar el novio observa que el doctor está encima de la novia y se enfurece, luego le pregunta si ya le sacó la cucaracha y el le responde:
TodavÃa no, pero la aplasto, porque la aplasto.
15
Apr
Santa was bragging to his boss one day, You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.
Tired of his boasting, his boss called him bluff, OK, Santa how about Tom Cruise?
Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.
So Santa and boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruises door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, Santa! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!
Although impressed, Santas boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruises house, he tells Santa that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky.
No, no, just name anyone else, Santa says.
President Bush, his boss quickly retorts.
Yes, I know him, lets fly out to Washington.
And off they go. At the White House, George W. spots Santa on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, Santa, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and lets have a cup of coffee first and catch up.
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Santa, who again implores him to name anyone else.
The Pope, his boss replies.
Sure! says Santa. My folks are from Poland, and Ive known the Pope a long time.
So off they fly to Rome. Santa and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Santa says, This will never work. I cant catch the Popes eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and Ill come out on the balcony with the Pope.
And Santa disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Santa emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
By the time Santa returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss side, Santa asks, What happened?
His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, Whos that on the balcony with Santa Singh?