Old and New Jokes

And finally, the piece de resistance…find an untanned girl on the beach asleep
in the sun face down with tanning oil on her back. Place a piece of paper on
her back with something like FREE SEX cut out with stencils. The oil keeps
it from blowing away, and after a few hours she has a nice message on her
back. Note: I NEVER DID THAT!! In fact, I only heard people talk about it but
never saw any proof. Sounds great but its pretty mean.

David B. Witherspoon (aka DSpoon)

[Ed: Reputed Source, MAD Magazine ]

Self delusion is
pulling in your stomach when you step on the scales.

~ Paul Sweeney

Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.

A little boy was in a relatives wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between brides side and grooms side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and
roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he
reached the pulpit.When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, I was being the Ring Bear….

The following message appeared on the Railroad list. It was written by Scott Porinsky, and I thought it was funny so I am passing it on:

Unfortunately there are all too many people who dont know much about the railroad but think they do.

Shortly before I went train dispatching on the BN in the early 70s, a freight train hit a house that was being moved across a grade crossing east of Savanna, IL.

This occurred in the middle of the night and the housemoving contractor said he was purposely doing it at night because of lack of highway traffic and there wouldnt be any trains running. Talk about lack of understanding the railroad.

I recall the engineer being asked on the radio where exactly he hit the house (meaning the road crossing), and his reply was somewhere between the bathroom and kitchen.

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet.

Seeing this the dentist said, Please dont, you dont need to pay me now.

The patient answered: Pay you! I just want to count my money before Im unconscious!

Q: What do you call a bull in the middle of a field spanking his monkey?

A: Beef Stroganoff

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say oh geez, better get cracking and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

Cierto día, un anciano de 98 años estaba hablando por teléfono con su nieto.

Hola, abuelito, te escucho muy contento ¿por qué?

Es que acabo de romper un espejo.

Pero son 7 años de mala suerte.

¡Sí! ¿No es fantástico?

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees well being, asked sympathetically, Whats the matter?

To which the blonde replies, Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl, Why dont you go home for the day. We arent terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.

The blonde very calmly states, No, Id be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here.

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, If you need anything, just let me know.

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying.

He rushes out to her asking, Whats so bad now? Are you going be OK?

No! exclaims the blonde. I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!