Old and New Jokes

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, I forgot my teeth. The man said, No problem. With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. Try these, he said.

The speaker tried them. Too loose, he said. The man then said, I have another pair…try these. The speaker tried them and responded, Too tight. The man was not taken back at all. He then said, I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.

The speaker said, They fit perfectly. With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? Ive been looking for a good dentist.

The man replied, Im not a dentist. Im the local undertaker.

Q: Why cant you hear a viola on a digital recording?
A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:

He would inscribe, Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: Thats Strange!

Because it hurts too much to boil their nipples.

A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the bar of the Railway Hotel.

Yeah, maam he says to the barmaid ahm looking to buy me a ranch- stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ahm looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week to ride around it on a horse?

Yeah? says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar. If we had a horse like that wed turn it into glue.

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.

Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You dont bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didnt do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborns clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the babys little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, cant they?

Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Pacifier
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the babys bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapering
1st baby: You change your babys diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isnt squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Pass this on to everyone you know who has children … or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children … or anyone who has ever been a child themselves! (I guess that cover almost everyone, huh?)

Youre so ugly that when your mama dropped you off at school, she was arrested for littering!

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.

A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, That is very impressive!

Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, That is really impressive!

Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, If it works for the other two… So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, Why is the fly not dead?

And the Jewish samurai replies, If you look closely, youll see that the fly has been circumcised.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Given a fifty-fifty chance, you will be wrong 90% of the time.
IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.
Two is not equal to three – not even for larger values of two.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A good scapegoat is hard to find.