Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?
Sure that sounds great! said Julie.
Well, how much do you want me to pay you? asked the man.
Is fifty bucks all right? Julie asked.
Yeah, great. Youll find the paint and ladders youll need in the garage.
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house? asked the wife. Well, she must, she was standing right on it! her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door.
Im all finished, she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?
Yeah, Julie replied, I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
Oh, and by the way, said Julie, Thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopters window. The pilots sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, Oh, my God! Help me!At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, I thought you didnt believe in Me!Come on God, give me a break!! the man pleaded. Two minutes ago I didnt believe in the Loch Ness monster either!
Whats grosser than gross? Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.
Whats even grosser than that? When one of them throws up.
Two Polish guys are walking down the street sharing insights. The smarter of the two sees a dog lying down and licking his balls. The less intelligent of the two says to his friend, Dont you wish you could do that?
The second guy replies, Dont you think he would bite me?
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?
There is a thread about those supermarket discount customer cards
in misc.consumer. Heres MY followup:
Dear Mr. Jones:
We noticed youve not picked up any condoms at SpiffyMart recently.
(Your last purchase was 8 weeks ago.) Further, you have stopped
buying feminine hygiene products, but have sharply increased
your frozen pizza and dinners usage in the same time frame.
Its clear that Ms. Jody Sanders has dumped you. (Its probably
for the best – we knew she was a loser from that cheap shampoo she
buys.) We confirmed this with the Post Office database–yep, she
filed a change of address.
We at Horny International offer our condolences. As the number-one
vender of hot X-rated videos, wed like to help you out in this
time of stress. If youre feeling lonely, check out our catalog of
both VHS and super 8 tapes.
Order now and we throw in an extra tape FREE!
Yours Truly;
Sleazy Jerk, Marketing Manager.
ps: That blond at ODougles last Saturday–you bought her
2nd Strawberry Martini? Forget it! Shes on her third yeast
infection in as many months, and is a regular at Acme Pharmacy.
(Her HMO computer gossips with ours.) You never know what else she
might have. Our tapes are LOTS safer!..
I went to church the other day to free my soul from sin;
I was looking for the preacher, but the preacher wasnt in.
The sexton then assured me that thered be no use in waiting,
The preachers gone away, he said, to do some demonstrating.
I asked for the assistant – the next in line would do.
Sorry, said the sexton, hes demonstrating, too.
Well, what I want to know, I said, and Ill make myself quite clear,
While theyre off demonstrating, whos running things down here?
Whos taking care of sinners? Whos leading us in prayer?
Whos feeding all the lost sheep that wander by right here?
Whos baptizing the babies? and, another thing, I said,
Whos looking out for the sick folks and blessing all the dead?
The sexton was a wise old man with a twinkle in his eye;
He looked at me and scratched his head, and this was his reply:
Son, what Im going to say to you might strike you kinda odd,
But since no ones here to help you, put your question up to God.
So I asked Him all these things last night when I bent my knee to prayer,
O Lord, I prayed, please tell me, whos running things down here?
The Lord sent down an angel – it was enough to make me sob –
When the angel said, The devil, and hes doing a darn good job.
Author Unknown
Offensive to G. W. Bush fans.
G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you.
She calls Tony Blair in and asks, Tony, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it?
Tony Blair replies, Its me!
So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, Dick, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it?
And Cheney says, Wow, thats a tough one. Let me get back to you.
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, Colin, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it?
And Colin Powell says, Its me!
So Cheney calls Bush and says, Its Colin Powell.
And Bush says, No, you idiot! Its Tony Blair!
Un niño llega a una torterÃa y pide una torta de jamón. Allà estuvo un buen rato sin que ninguno de los que atendÃan le hiciera caso. Entonces se le acerca un señor y le pregunta:
¿Qué, niño, te la están haciendo de pedo?
¡No, no, yo la pedà de jamón, protesta el niño.