Old and New Jokes

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change.

Frases útiles para que los gringos no se queden sin comer en México.

Hungry?

Para ordenar huevos:

Web us come ham on

Web us come toss see no

Web us tea be us

Web us come shore is so

Web be toes come free hall lit toes

Para ordenar tacos:

Does stack kit toes door add it toes the Paul Joe

Does stack kit toes the car neat as

Para acompañar a los tacos:

Come chill leap toes hall up pen Joes

Para acompañar a la carne asada:

Come chill lack kill less

E free hall lit toes

Para ordenar bebidas:

Train us on six the shell as

Kiss sea ram must does tea kill as

Y después de un taco… un buen tabaco:

See Gary toe?

Y si les agradó la comida:

Much as grass see ass.

Padre e hija están viajando a través del desierto cuando unos bandidos les asaltan y les roban hasta la ropa. Cuando se van, la hija le dice al padre:

¿Has podido salvar algo?

¡Pero cómo voy a salvar algo si nos han dejado en pelotas!

Entonces, la hija se saca un anillo de diamantes del chomino y, con aire de triunfo, anuncia:

Mira, mamá me enseño este truco.

Ya, es una pena que tu madre no estuviese aquí… podríamos haber salvado el coche.

Tres muchachos después de una borrachera chocaron y fallecieron. Llegaron a una nube y ahí vieron cien escaleras que subían y una voz dijo:

Aquel que quiera llegar al cielo debe recorrer las cien escaleras y tocar la puerta de San Pedro pero no deben decir ninguna grosería en el transcurso ni en el cielo. Aquel que lo haga se caera al infierno.

El primer muchacho iba en las diez primeras pero dijo: ¡PUTAS ESCALERAS ESTAN BIEN FACILES!

Y se cayó al infierno.

El segundo iba en la mitad pero dijo: ¡AY PENDEJAS ESCALERAS MAMONAS YA ME CANSE PUTO EL QUE LAS HIZO!

Y se cayó.

Ya el ultimo llega muy cansado y toca la puerta de San Pedro y no le abre y dice:

PUTO SAN PEDRO ABRE LA PUERTA!

Y se cayó.

Después de diez segundos San Pedro abre la puerta, mira para abajo y dice: ¡QUE PUTAZO SE DIO ESTE!

Y se cayó al infierno.

Hercules, Snow White and Quasemoto were sitting at a table talking.



Hercules says, I think Im the strongest man in the world but it hasnt been proven yet.

Snow White says I think Im the fairest lady in the land but it hasnt been proven yet.

Quasie says I think Im the ugliest,meanest son of a gun in the world but it hasnt been proven yet.



The next day Hercules and Snow White are sitting at the table and Hercules says, Its true Im the strongest man in the world for God told me so.

Snow White says Its true Im the fairest lady in the land for God told me so.



Just then, Quasie started walking up the road really steamed and says Guys can you do me a favor? Tell me who the heck is Janet Reno?

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

Yes, the pet store owner said, this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions.

The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word.

Thats to be expected, said the pet shop owner. Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you. Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrots owner returned and said there still had been no talking.

I see, said the pet shop owner. Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it. A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell.

The parrots owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrots owner was there waiting as the store opened. Still no luck? asked the store owner.

No. Nothing said yet, answered the birds owner. Well, I bet the birds just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop. What? You want me to buy another bird!?! yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

No, no, calm down, reassured the store owner. All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion.

At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned … this time with the parrot, only it was dead! What happened? asked the store owner, Didnt the bird ever talk?

Yes, right before it died it said: Whats the matter? Dont they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?

Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less.

You might be a redneck if…
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He had to get off on station that came up at 4 am. He asked the guy sitting opposite him on the train to wake him up at 4 am and gave him Rs 20 to do so. This guy was a barber, and felt that for Rs 20 the passenger deserved more service. So, when he fell asleep, the barber
quietly shaved off is beard!

When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. His wife said, Whats the matter? He replied, The cheat on the train has taken Rs 20 from me and has woken up someone else!!!

The Latin professor went into a bar after a hard day at work.

Whatll it be? asked the bartender.

A martinus, replied the Latin professor.

The bartender looked at the Latin professor, slightly puzzled.

Dont you mean martini?

If I wanted more than one, I would ask for more than one.