Un tipo llega muy borracho a la puerta de su casa y empieza a gritar:
MarÃÃÃÃa, MarÃÃÃÃa
Su esposa se acerca a la ventana y le reclama:
¡Otra vez borracho, es el colmo! ¿Y ahora, qué quieres? ¿Qué te tire la llave?
No, la llave si la tengo, más bien tÃrame el hueco de la cerradura que no lo encuentro.
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
Just to establish some parameters, said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, What is the opposite of joy?
Sadness, said the student.
And the opposite of depression? he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
Elation, she said.
And you sir, he said to the young man from Texas, How about the opposite of woe?
The Texan replied, Sir, I believe that would be giddy up.
My favorite teacher put-down comment goes back to Samuel Johnson:
Your paper is both interesting and original; however, the original part is not interesting, and the interesting part is not original.
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldnt keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!
((( Got this from a colleague. Possibly apocryphal, purportedly
true. In any case, too good to keep quiet. Enjoy! HR )))
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields
on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the
aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-
craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesnt break,
its likely to survive a real collision with a bird during
flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could
pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure
that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the
testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the
maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken,
and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the
engineers chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of
the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the
FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want
to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
For a good time, hire a hooker,
For a lot of time, hire my attorney.
–Anonymous Prison Cell Graffiti
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
I have just the thing, says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
Just place this between your cheek and gum.
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
And what if I swallow it?
No problem, says the barber.
Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.
Ever wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?
If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
Being rich and it dont mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why dont they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!
One day Pete was complaining to his friend my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor.
His friend said Dont do that. Theres a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. Its quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird noise and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labour,
it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your water is hard,
get a softener.
Your dog has worms,
get him shots.
Your daughters using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.
Your wifes pregnant,
its not yours,
get a lawyer.
And if you dont stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by exponential progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date (2) his wife (3) a better looking and richer male friend.