Old and New Jokes

• Ghost Poopie
  The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but theres no poopie in the toilet.
• Clean Poopie
  The kind where you seen the poopie come out, but theres nothing on the toilet paper.
• The Wet Poopie
  The kind where you wipe your butt fifty times, and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you wont ruin it with a stain.
• The Second Wave Poopie
  It happens when youre done poopying, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
• Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poopie
  The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
• Richard Simmons Poopie
  You poopie so much that you lose 30 pounds.
• The Lincoln Log Poopie
  The kind of poopie that is sooo huge, youre afraid to flush, so you break it up into small pieces with the toilet brush.
• The Gasey Poopie
  It is so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
• The Drunker Poopie
  The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking, its most noticeable trait is the tread marks on the bottom of the toilet.
• The Corn Poopie
  Self-explanatory.
• The Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie
  The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet, cramp, and fart a few times.
• Spinal Tap Poopie
  That when it hurts so bad, you swear it is leaving you sideways.
• The Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
  The kind where its coming out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
• The Liquid Poopie
  The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
• The Mexican Food Poopie
  It smells sooo bad that the room needs to be condemned!!!
• The Surprise Poopie
  A fart with a lump in it.

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really ,really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldnt move very much.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said……..

Not very freakin strong tonight, are you Batman!

Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Lets see: 2 A+s, 3 As, 5 A-s, 11 B+s, 9 Bs, 21 B-s…

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?

Theres a big fire across the street, the doctor replied. We didnt want you to think the operation was a failure.

Un profesor de primer año de Medicina está dando a sus alumnos la primera lección sobre autopsias en la morgue y les dice:

Para hacer una autopsia, hay dos elementos básicos: el primero, no tener ninguna repugnancia.

En ese momento, el profesor introduce un dedo en el ano del muerto y luego lo chupa. A continuación pide a los estudiantes que hagan lo mismo y luego de un rato de silencio temeroso, éstos comienzan a obedecer. Cuando ya todos los alumnos han terminado de chuparse con asco el dedo, el profesor prosigue:

El segundo elemento fundamental, es un sentido muy agudo de observación: yo metí mi dedo anular, pero me chupé el índice.

Why are camels called ships of the desert?

– They are full of Arab semen.

Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

Its a very handy thing, God told the couple. I was
wondering if either one of you wanted the ability? Adam jumped up and blurted out, Oh, give that to me. Id love it. Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great. When Im out working in the garden, I could just stand there and let it fly. It would be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to. On and on he went like an excited little boy…

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. She added it was the sort of thing that would make him happy and she wouldnt mind if Adam was the one given this ability. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his urine while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting
down the bark on the tree nearest him and laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

Fine, God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. Whats left in here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms.

Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.

How do you know when a womans about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with A man one told me ….

If I like it, its mine.

If its in my hand, its mine.

If I can take it from you, its mine.

If I had it a little while ago, its mine.

If its mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

If Im doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

If I saw it first, its mine.

If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

If its broken, its yours.