Old and New Jokes

Una mujer está acostada en su nueva casa cuando repentinamente empieza a vibrar toda la cama y se oye un tren pasar a lo lejos. La mujer llama inmediatamente al casero y le expone que es imposible vivir allí. Defendiéndose, el arrendador le explica que la estación está muy lejos, que eso es imposible y que él no tiene ninguna queja de algún inquilino. Pero como los dos insisten en su posición, al final el tipo acepta ir a inspeccionar:

Bueno, esto lo podemos comprobar dentro de cinco minutos cuando pase el Talgo Madrid – Irun.

Pues métase aquí conmigo en la cama y ya verá como vibra.

Total que están los dos mirando al techo. En eso que llega el marido y dice el casero:

Si le digo que estoy esperando el tren no se lo va a creer, ¿verdad?

I wanted to go the Paranoids Anonymous
meeting, but they wouldnt tell me
where it was.

This rich guy from the north is driving his Lincoln Continental down

to New Orleans. Along the way he picks up a redneck.

The redneck looks quizzically at the dash board and says, What are

those thangs? The driver says, Those are golf tees.

The redneck asks, What those are for? The driver says Those hold

my balls when I drive.

The redneck says, Sheeit, these Lincolns sure come with

everythang!

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas…
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

A Pakistani walked into a pet shop in London and asked for two bales of hay
to feed to his elephant. The shop assistant said, Sorry sir, we dont
serve Pakistanis unless you have proof that you have a pet. Youll have
to bring your elephant in. To which the poor man replied, I am wanting
to know isnt it. What is this reason that you do not serve me? The
shop assistant replied, Because you might eat the pet food yourself.

The next day the man walks into the pet shop and confronts the shop
assistant with his elephant. Two bales of hay please.

A few days later, the guy is in again. I am wanting isnt it. To buy
a sack of peanuts for my monkey, yes, yes.

Sorry sir, we dont serve Pakistanis. Bring your monkey in because you
might want to eat the pet food yourself.

Next day, he walks in with this huge grey baboon with a bright red
arse and demands, I am wanting a sack of nuts isnt it!

A few more days pass and the fellow walks in asking for some raw
meat for his tiger. The same response, Sorry sir, we dont serve…

Next day hes in with his tiger. This goes on for a while then one day
he walks in and he has this little box in his hands. The box has a small
hole in the top.

Please be putting your finger into this little hole.

Im not going to do that! the shop assistant responds.

Oh! Please, a thousand begging pleases. Please put your finger into
the hole in this little box.

No! Ive no idea what is in there!

Oh! by the hairy balls of Moloch it is being indeed very very
important to me that you put your finger into this hole.

Oh, all right

She sticks her finger into the hole and then removes it. She looks at
the brown muck and says…

SHIT!

Two toilet rolls please!

Rick Mather
Syndey, Australia

Yesterday, in a county in south Georgia (USA), a young
state trooper went to the local magistrate and requested
a warrant to arrest someone. The magistrate, doing his
job, determined there was insufficient evidence and
refused to issue the warrant.

The trooper arrested the magistrate for obstruction
of justice.

Upon arrival at the county jail, the sheriff quickly
determined what had happened, and refused to lock up the
magistrate.

The best part was the state patrol posts leaders
response, in a radio interview. We believe this was
just a minor misunderstanding. We have spoken with the
trooper, and it wont happen again.

Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs changing, whether they should join the Lightbulbs Union first and then what to call the new lightbulb – (the Nelson Mandela lightbulb ?), one to put it in… and twenty to have a pissup after to celebrate a good days work…

Un hombre manco iba caminando por la calle cuando se encontró una tienda de tecnología super-avanzada, entra y mira en un estante Brazo Robotiko, ver. USA, activado con voz. Rapidísimo lo agarra y se lo lleva al mostrador y le dice al que atiende: Me lo llevo, le contesta muy bien señor, pero debo advertirle que este aparato sólo entiende inglés, no importa, soy bilingüe y ya, se lo lleva a su casa.

A la hora de probarlo, se sirve un vaso de agua con la otra mano y dice: A ver si sirve, DRINK! y zaz, se lleva el vaso a la boca, el hombre emocionado lo repite, DRINK!, y otra vez; ya con confianza decide irse a bailar.

Estando en la pista de baile, dice, DANCE!, y de volada saca los pasos más modernos. Después de un rato y unos tragos, le dan ganas de ir al sanitario, ahé dice OPEN ZIPPER! PULL OUT!

Cuando acaba de orinar, el hombre se excita con una foto de una mujer desnuda en la pared, y le dice al brazo, PULL! se va excitando más y más y le dice, PULL!, PULL!, HARDER!!! y de pronto snatch! de tan fuerte que se la jaló, se la arranca. Entonces el hombre dice asustado FUCK!!!

Y el brazo le mete el pito arrancado por el trasero.

Q. How do you get rid of a boomerang?

A: Throw it down a one way street.

Things you dont want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. Well need it for the autopsy.

2. Someone call the janitor – were going to need a mop

3. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness

4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!

5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that?

6. Hand me that… uh… that uh… thingie.

7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

9. Damn, there go the lights again…

10. Ya know, theres big money in kidneys. Hell, the guys got two of em.

11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

12. Could you stop that thing from beating; its throwing my concentration off.

13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

14. I hope his family wont miss him

15. And now we remove the subjects brain and place it in the body of the ape.

16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?

18. Dont worry. I think it is sharp enough.

19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.