(Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and Foreign Secretary Eduard Shevardnadze
met on the eve of the recent super-power summit.)
What can we do to impress the Americans? Gorbachev asked
Shevardnadze.
Replied the foreign secretary: Well, we could open the gates of
the Soviet Union for 24 hours.
Dont be crazy, Gorbachev replied. Everybody would go and
it would leave only the two of us sitting here.
Speak for yourself, shot back Shevardnadze.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thermos!
Thermos who?
Thermos be a better way!
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken.
The doctor says, Why don’t you have him committed?
The guy says, We would, but we need the eggs.
When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?
Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.
Fine, says God, Women get multiple orgasms
Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.
Un tipo llegó al trabajo todo desanimado, casi arrastrándose y con cara de preocupación. Como era un buen empleado, el jefe lo llamó y le aconsejó:
¿Por qué no haces como yo? Cuando estoy deprimido como tú, me voy a casa, tomo una buena ducha, le hago el amor a mi mujer y de inmediato me siento como nuevo.
El tipo salió dispuesto a seguir el consejo del jefe. Al final de la tarde volvió muy animado.
¿Qué tal? Funciona, ¿no?, le preguntó el jefe.
¡Vaya que sÃ! ¡Estoy totalmente recuperado! ¡Su esposa es una maravilla!
A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you." The robber started to get a little worried.
"Whats your name, birdie?"
"Moses."
"What dumbass named you Moses?"
"The same dumbass who called his rottweiler Jesus."
He who laughs, lasts.
Grandma took her grandson Junior to a seance. The medium was supposed to be quite an expert at communicating with the spirits of the recently departed. Soon the medium had everyone quietly, nervously, breathlessly awaiting contact with the spirit world – except Junior.
I wanna talk to my grandpa! he demanded.
The medium and Grandma tried to get him to be quiet, but he insisted. I wanna talk to my grandpa!
Finally, the medium snapped All right, kid, look over there! Theres your grandpa! and with a wave of her hand, a ghostly-looking figure appeared.
Hi, Gramps! called Junior. What are you doing here? You aint dead.
** Whats the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesnt think hes a lawyer.
** Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostages? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.