Old and New Jokes

Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?

A: She has a checkbook.

Guy goes to the dentist and sits in the chair.

The dentist asks: What time is it?

The patient says: 2:30 (Tooth Hurtie)

You might be a redneck if…
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

A man lost both his ears in a very serious automobile accident but as a result received a large insurance settlement. After some period of time he realized that he needed an assistant to help him manage his money.

He decided to interview several candidates.

The first candidate was very impressive and answered all the questions satisfactorily. The interviewer then posed one final questions, Do you notice anything unusual about me?

Well, yes, the candidate replied. You dont have any ears. The interviewer was outraged as he was very sensitive about his lack of ears and dismissed the candidate.

The second candidate was a very attractive woman who also answered all the questions satisfactorily. Again the interviewer posed one final questions, Do you notice anything unusual about me?

Well, yes, the woman replied. You dont have any ears. The angry interviewer dismissed her immediately.

The third and final candidate was shown in. He too, answered all questions correctly. Finally the interviewer asked him, Do you notice anything unusual about me?

The candidate replied, I notice youre wearing contact lenses. The interviewer was delighted.

How nsightful. How did you happen to notice I was wearing contacts?

Well, you couldnt be wearing glasses, you dont have any ears.

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, Its a lot of money! After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the presidents office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000! and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, Maam, Im surprised youre carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money? The old lady replied, I make bets. The president then asked, Bets? What kind of bets? The old woman said, Well, for example, Ill bet you $25,000 that your balls are square. Ha! laughed the president, Thats a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet! The old lady challenged, So, would you like to take my bet? Sure, said the president, Ill bet $25,000 that my balls are not square! The little old lady then said, Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness? Sure! replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the presidents office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: $25,000 says the presidents balls are square! The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. Well, Okay, said the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure. Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, What the hells the matter with your lawyer? She replied, Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, Id have The Bank of Canadas presidents balls in my hand.

Once a very rich man and his dog were sailing at sea. Suddenly a very severe storm lashed at the boat and gale force winds tossed the fragile boat. After many days the sea dumped them both onto an uninhabited island. The boat was completely smashed . The deserted island was barren except for many bones, a freshwater lake, and some cats.


The man became extremely depressed as he realised that rescue from the remote island was not likely. He missed the life he had left behind. He kept remembering his grand mansion, the luxury cars, the exotic restaurants and all the partying.


In contrast to him, his dog was loving the life on the island. There were hundreds of bones to chew , nice cool freshwater to drink and even dozens of cats to chase.


The man, however, was feeling more and more down and was missing his previous fantastic life. Then after many years, just as things looked hopeless, their fortunes changed dramatically .While playing on the beach, the dog found a magic lamp and quickly took it to his master. With great joy the man vigorously rubbed the lamp and a Genie popped out. After stretching himself the Genie spoke;


I was trapped for three thousand years and thanks to the two of you I am finally free. As a gesture of my gratitude , I will grant ONE wish to each of you.


The Genie went to the man first;


What is your one wish? Think carefully since this is the only wish I can grant you.


The man, running around with joy said;


What is there to think ! Send me back to my luxury mansion. My life will be back to normal. I can already think of a good restaurant to go for dinner. After that I will….


As the man was talking there was a POOF! and he disappeared back to his previous life of luxury.


The Genie then went to the dog;


What is your one wish? Think carefully since this is the only wish I can grant you.


Unlike the man, the dog thought a lot;


I really cant complain. There are plenty of bones to chew on and a lot of freshwater to drink. The cats are a joy to chase and the weather is great. I suppose the only thing is that this island is a bit lonely, specially after my master left. I wish he was here…


POOF!


The man reappeared on the island and having granted the wishes, the Genie vanished.

Submitted by DogtoGod.com

Beware of what you want. You may get it.

Three railroad construction workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
"Man," the Chinese man says. "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, Ill kill myself."
"Man," the Italian says. "If I get another slice of pizza in my lunch, Ill kill myself."
"Man," the redneck says. "If I get another ham n cheese sandwich in my lunch, Ill kill myself."
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, and they all three throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral, everybodys crying.
"This is all my fault!" says the Chinese mans wife. "If only I hadnt packed an egg roll that day."
"This is all my fault!" says the Italians wife. "If only I hadnt packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Dont look at me," says the rednecks wife. "He packed his own lunch."

A County Deputy pulled a car over on Hwy US 41 about 2 miles north of the Wis / Mich state line When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Green Bay to do a show that night at the Oneida Casino, where he had a gig and didnt want to be late. The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldnt give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didnt have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares,lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, Might as well take my ass to jail. Theres no way in Hell I can pass that test.