Old and New Jokes

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations.

The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.

The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.

The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps.

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.



A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.



But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well.



Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks!



A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clintons chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge.



They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.



Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad!



Clinton says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?

One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.

What do you call an open can of tuna in a Lesbians apartment?

Po-pouri!!!

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthurs court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queens voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the Kings chief physician. Horatio said, I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes. Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching powder and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Masters mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote lotion into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queens magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder onto King Arthurs loincloth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master …

Moral of the story: Pay your bills

A stutterer returned from a two-week intensive stuttering therapy program in a distant city. His friends asked how the therapy had gone.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, the stutterer said, completely fluent.
His friends expressed amazement.
Y-y-y-yes, b-b-b-but its h-h-hard t-to w-w-work th-that into a c-c-c-conversation, he said.

The best of old postings from RHF are now also available in the new group rec.humor.funny.reruns.

The archives are also at http://comedy.clari.net/rhf/

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at her feet, when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and offered her three wishes.

Aw, go on, the little old lady said in disbelief, if you can grant three wishes, lets see you turn this rocking chair into a pile of gold?

The good fairy waved her hand, and pouf, the rocking chair turned into a pile of pure gold. Her face lighting up, the lady said I really get two more wishes?

Yes, the good fairy assured her. Anything your heart desires.

Then make me into a beautiful, voluptuous young woman. Another wave of her hand, and the wish was granted.

Finally, make my faithful old cat into a tall, dark and handsome young man.

The good fairy waved her hand and disappeared as the third wish came true, and a handsome muscular young man stood where the tomcat had just been sleeping.

The young man approached the once-old lady, took her in his arms and murmured… Now, arent you sorry you sent me to the vet?

A young doctor had been treating his patient for diabetes for quite some time, using alternative methods, with excellent results.

His nurse, however, believed that the patient should be on insulin.

As a result, the patient had a few doubts and decided to ask him about it. She did so in the following manner: Doctor, If I were your mother, would I be on insulin now?

To which he replied, Absolutely not! Then, after a short pause, he added, She doesnt believe in doctors!