One evening a girl goes to her father and asks, Dad, can I borrow the car tonight? Her father says yes, but under one condition. The daughter has to give him a blow job.
Wel, the girl really wants the car, so agrees. After a few seconds she says, Dad, your penis taste like shit!
Her father says, Yeah, thats because your brother wanted to borrow the car earlier.
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the help
desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect
organization for termination without cause. This is from the taped
conversation leading up to dismissal:
WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?
Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.
What sort of trouble?
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Went away?
They disappeared.
Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Nothing.
Nothing?
Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.
Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
How do I tell?
Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
Whats a sea-prompt?
Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
There isnt any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type!
Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Whats a monitor?
Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when its on?
I dont know.
Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes
into it. Can you see that?
Yes, I think so.
Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall.
…Yes, it is.
When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?
No.
Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
…Okay, here it is.
Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your
computer.
I cant reach.
Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
No.
Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle – its because its dark.
Dark?
Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in through
the window.
Well, turn on the office light then.
I cant.
No? Why not?
Because theres a power outage.
A power… A power outage? Aha, Okay, weve got it licked now. Do you still
have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Well, yes, I kept them in the closet.
Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when
you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Really? Is it that bad?
Yes, Im afraid it is.
Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Tell them youre too fucking stupid to own a computer.
Someone actually sat down and read the paper work that came with an applicance. Heres what it said:
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE!
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GODS SAKE READ THIS OWNERS MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDNT YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON FAST FORWARD, THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?
WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
Were sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because were always getting back defective merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK?
Now lets talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKERS ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.
Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Maes last name is Barker, f you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say WARNING
A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say Margaret, you know why this country cant make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, thats why.
WARNING: This is assuming your spouses name is Margaret. And not Pete.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industrys Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.
DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF SHOGUN ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that:
NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY
BE IT HEREBY KNOWN that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS SHOGUN ON TAPE.
How do you make a Kleenex dance? But a little boogie in it.
One day, two bees are buzzing around whats left of a rose bush.
Hows your summer been? asks bee number one.
Not too good, says bee two. Lotta rain, lotta cold. There arent enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen.
The first bee has an idea. Hey, why dont you go down to the corner and hang a left? Theres a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit.
Bee two buzzes, Thanks! and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.
How was the bar mitzvah? asks the first bee.
Great! replies the second.
The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friends head, and inquires, Whats that on your head?
A yarmulke, is the answer. I didnt want them to think I was a Wasp.
You might be a redneck if…
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid youll wear to the 4-H Fair.
A fan of Beethoven went to visit Beethovens grave and when she got there, she heard the ninth symphony being played…it was however played backwards… she did not understand that but came back the next day and brought her friend to listen to the music under the grave… when she got there, she heard the tenth symphony being played..this time again..it was played backward..
they both did not understand this weird undertaking… as they were about to leave a caretaker came along the way, both girls asked the caretaker if he knew why Beethovens music was being played backwards…
The caretaker replied Dont you get it… Beethoven is DECOMPOSING!!!!!!
Q: Whats Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
A: If youve paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family–youre happy.
Q. Why don’t witches wear underwear?
A. To get a better grip on the broom!
Estaban cerca las elecciones, el candidato, peronista de esos de la primera hora, se dirigÃa a la multitud:
¡Y vamos a solucionar los problemas de los jubilados!
Todos aplauden y vitorean y un borracho le grita: ¡Hacé como Perón!
¡Claro que sà compañero!, responde contento con el apoyo. ¡Vamos a ayudar al obrero!
Vitorean y el borracho otra vez: ¡SÅ y hacé como Perón!
Por supuesto, compañero!, siguió el candidato enardecido. ¡Las empresas volverán al Estado!
¡Pero hacé como Perón!
¿Y que hizo Perón?, pregunta fuera de sÃ.
¡Se murió!