Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

One day a blonde came into the store and came up to the slerk.

May I have that toaster? she asked. The clerk shook his head.

Im sorry, but I cant sell it to a blonde, said the clerk.

So the next day, a redhead came in.

May I have that toaster? she asked the clerk. The clerk shook his head.

Im sorry, we dont sell it to blondes. he replied. The blonde took off her wig and asked the clerk, How did you know I was a blonde?

Because thats a TV, said the clerk.

If your dog is fat, you arent getting enough exercise
–Unknown

Some days youre the dog; some days youre the hydrant.
–Unknown

Whoever said you cant buy happiness forgot about puppies.
–Gene Hill

In dog years, Im dead.
–Unknown

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
–Aldous Huxley

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
–Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think thats how dogs spend their lives.
–Sue Murphy

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who havent got the guts to bite people themselves.
–August Strindberg

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
–Fran Lebowitz

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
–Rita Rudner

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
–James Thurber

You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.
–Nora Ephron

Dont accept your dogs admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
–Ann Landers

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
–Robert A. Heinlein

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said, Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.

Jack chose to climb the ladder.

At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said, Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success. Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder some more.

At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success. Things were getting better the higher he got, so Jack chose to climb the ladder even more.

At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success. Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but still, he climbed the ladder to success.

At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500lb naked man with a pimply penis grabbed him. Jack asked, Who are you?

To which he replied, Oh, Im Cess!

I heard this from a Welsh friend of mine,
Peter Gardiner, who lives in London.

It is the wedding day of Prince Charles and
Lady Di. Charles had been up late the night
before boozing with his old Navy buddies,
woke up late, threw on his clothes and rushed
to the Royal Coach and set off. In the coach,
he noticed that he had forgotten his shoes, so
he borrowed the ones his valet was wearing,
but they were 2 sizes too small.

Charles made it through the ceremony, then
through the reception with his feet in agony the
whole time, and finally with great
relief, went upstairs with his new bride.

Their departure was noticed by the Queen and
Queen Mother who followed them up and
listened at the the door. First they heard,
Ohhh, ohhh, that feels so goood, it was sooo
tight.

I told you she was, said the Queen to the
Queen Mother.

Then they heard,
Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, ahhhh, that feels even better,
and it was a lot tighter.

Tsk tsk tsk, said the Queen Mother,
Once a sailor, always a sailor.

You might be a redneck if your wifes hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan!

It was a hot day and a Hollywood star told a visiting Asian actor he knew of a secluded place where they can go skinny dipping.While they were enjoying the cool water, a busload of women suddenly appeared. Both men made a beeline for their towels. The Hollywood star wrapped his towel around his waist, while the Asian actor wrapped his towel around his head. There was a great deal of laughter coming from the women. They were hysterical.Afterwards, when there was only the two of them, the Hollywood star asked his guest why he wrap his towel around his head, instead of around his waist and he replied, “Where I come from we identify with our faces”.

An old Jewish man goes to his local diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal.


The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. How was your meal, sir? the manager asks. Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread, comes the reply.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. How was your meal today, sir? the manager asks. Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread, comes the reply.

So … the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. How was your meal, sir? the manager asks, when he comes to pay. Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread, comes the reply once again.

The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: How was your meal TODAY, sir?

The old man replies: It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread!

An old man hobbled into an ice cream parlor. With some difficulty, he sat on a stool and ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, Crushed nuts?
He replied, No, arthritis.

You probably wont believe this but one day my father-in-law Joe and I were out fishing, well casting would be a more accurate. Well when Joe and I fish we also like to take along something to keep warm, usually 80 proof.

That particular day the fish were not biting and we got a bit caught up in keeping warm. After a while I started clowning around and for a joke I put a minnow on my hook and then dipped it into my cup of Ol Loudmouth and cast it into the lake.

Believe it or not I got an immediate strike and after a major fight landed a 12 pound bass. And that minnow had him right by the throat!