Old and New Jokes

A woman with a baby visited the doctors office. She was escorted to an examination room and told to wait for the doctor. The doctor arrived, examined the baby and asked the woman, Is he breast fed or bottle fed?

Breast fed, she replied.

Please, strip down to your waist, the doctor ordered. She did. The doctor pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination then told her to get dressed.

He said, No wonder this baby is always hungry. Youre not producing any milk.

I know, she said. Im his aunt … But Im glad I came.

A little boy went to the doctors office and was just a little bit nervous, because he had to get a shot today. The doctor noticed this and tried to calm him down, If you had a million dollars what would you get? The little boy thought for a minute and said, A box of tampax. The doctor was confused and asked him why? Well, the little boy said. The commercials said that if you wear them then you can swim, ride a horse, or do sports anytime you want to.

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, Try saying things like, I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, Now, dont you think thats a little better than slapping your knee and saying No shit?!? What happened next?

Paraphrased from a comedian on one of the Improv shows –

My wife really loves Prince. The other night in bed, she said, Make love
like Prince would. And I said, Sure, honey, is your brother home?

Did you hear the one about the alcoholic who was stranded on a desert island?

He found a bottle floating near the shore. When he opened it, out popped a genie; his salvation!

The genie said, Ill grant you two wishes, to which the alcoholic replied quickly with his first wish, Id like a never ending bottle of whiskey. The genie immediately complies with his wishes and provides him a with never ending bottle. When asked what his second wish would be, the alcoholic replied, after careful consideration, Ill have another never ending bottle of whiskey!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alexia!
Alexia who?
Alexia again to open this door!

Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. Its all relative.

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go and talk to her.

Suddenly the woman sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

Oh my God, I am sooo sorry, the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to breakfast the next morning.

When he arrives the next morning, she has cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. You know you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?

No, she replies, you just happened to catch my eye.

Una pareja va al médico; el que habla es el marido:

Mire dostor, tenemos un problema: mi mujer y yo queremos tener condescendencia, pero no sabemos si es porque yo soy omnipotente o porque ella es histérica.

Antes hemos ido a otro dostor y nos dijo que mi mujer tenía la vajilla rota y la emperatriz subida, y como además la operaron de la basílica balear, no sabemos si eso puede influir.

También a mí hace años me operaron de la protesta y a lo mejor me han dejado escuelas en el cuerpo.

Nos recomendaron ir a un médico de Boston que era muy bueno y, mire, en cuanto entramos a la consulta había allí dos ordenadores conestados a una antena paranoica. A mi mujer le hicieron una coreografía, y el médico nos dijo que no veía nada raro. Entonces nos recomendó que hiciéramos el cojito: 15 días ella y 15 días yo haciendo el cojito, pero nada.

Nos volvimos para aquí y otro dostor nos recomendó hacer vida marítima: en todas las playas hacíamos vida marítima, pero nada.

Además, mi mujer hace tiempo tuvo un alboroto y le nació el féretro muerto y a lo mejor eso ha influido, pero yo creo que mi mujer es frigorífica, porque nunca llega al orégano.

Me parece que usted lo que tiene es un problema de especulación atroz, diagnostica el ginecólogo.

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver wont stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, I have a question to ask you but I dont want to offend you.



She answers, My dear son, you cannot offend me. When youre as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. Im sure that theres nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.



Well, Ive always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.



She responds, Well, lets see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.



The cab driver is very excited and says, Yes, I am single and Im Catholic too!



The nun says OK, pull into the next alley.



He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?



Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, Im married and Im Jewish.



The nun says, Thats OK, my name is Kevin and Im on my way to a Halloween party.