A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?
She thought for a time and then asked, … Is it on or off?
Q. What do you call a sperm bank inside of a castle?
A. Kingdom Cum
Un tipo que trabaja en una empresa, agarra el teléfono y llama a la recepción para hablar con el afanador y al contestar el teléfono, dice:
¡HEY PUÑAL, MUEVE EL TRASERO Y TRAEME UNA COCA DE DIETA, CON UNA TORTA Y UNAS PAPAS, RAPIDITO Y DE BUEN MODO CABRON, QUE NO TENGO TU TIEMPO!
Al otro lado del teléfono se oye una voz varonil que le dice:
¡OYE PENDEJO, TE EQUIVOCASTE DE EXTENSION, ¿SABES CON QUIEN ESTAS HABLANDO? ESTAS HABLANDO CON EL DIRECTOR GENERAL DE LA EMPRESA IMBECIL!
El tipo sorprendido le responde: ¿Y QUE WEY?, PINCHE NEGRERO, HIJO DE LA CHINGADA ¿ACASO SABES TU CON QUIEN ESTAS HABLANDO?
El director sorprendido responde: NO.
El empleado le contesta: UTA, MENOS MAL, CABRON, BYE
REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box) First name: First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouses Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouses Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouses Name: __________________________ Lovers Name: __________________________ 2nd Lovers Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___
Mothers Name: _______________________ Fathers Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times youve seen a UFO =
___ Number of times youve seen Elvis ___ Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: =
[_] Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] dont know
Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves,
Our congressmen, labored to better themselves.
They cared not a whit what the public might think
Let them eat cake, some said with a wink.
And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose,
they waved as they shouted Anything goes!
They scoffed at the thought that we might object,
to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent.
Theyve got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more —
bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three or four!)
Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff,
celebrity status — (theyve sure got it tough!),
Yet they claim theyre in touch with the man on the street,
as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet.
If all workers decided what they were due,
theyd be getting those fat paychecks too!
But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small,
and one out of 20 has no job at all,
our millionaire Congress decides on the budget
land trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say.
In this season for giving, our Congress is taking.
Weve had it with them and our backs are breaking.
With hard times, disasters, and layoffs on our dockets,
we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets!
Oh jobless, oh homeless, oh desperate and needy –
dare anyone say our Congress is greedy?
If in this feeling Im not alone,
take up your pen or pick up your phone.
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
let the road of your anger mount to the sky.
Indignant, outraged, appalled and beset
let your congressman know that you wont forget!
When election times comes — and certain it will —
youre voting him out for passing that bill.
More rapid than eagles, their elections assured
they toasted each other and laughed at the herd.
And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand,
Merry Christmas to us, and the public be damned!
Credit to Molly Ivins:
I never thought much of Pat Buchanan until I heard one of his speeches
in the original German.
Jesus walks upon a crowd with an adulteress crouching in a corner with a mob around her preparing to stone her to death.
Jesus stops them and says, Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!
Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fires off a stone at the adulteress and blasts her right in the head.
At which point Jesus looks over and says…
Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!
Q: Why did the chicken say, Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo?
A: He was studying foreign languages
A CodWeb!
Hablan un mecánico y un médico, el mecánico le dice al médico:
Doctor, la verdad que Usted y yo tenemos trabajos parecidos, fÃjese, yo arreglo automóviles, usted arregla personas… yo arreglo motores, usted opera corazones.
– Si claro… ¿pero tú arreglas los motores encendidos?