Old and New Jokes

Whats coming but never comes?

Tomorrow!

A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.

The security guard asked: Whats going on?

To which the drunk replied: I just beat the shit out of a ghost.

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that Johns wife died the same day that Joes boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe a mistook him for John. She said, Im sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible.

Joe thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, Hell no in fact is Im sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasnt very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle. The old lady fainted.

Youre so stupid, you climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side!

Have you heard about the new medication that both an aphrodisiac and laxative?

Its called Easy Cum, Easy Go.

If he/she isnt there the first time you need him, chances are you wont be needing him again.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chesterfield!
Chesterfield who?
Chesterfield my leg so I slapped him!

Its not true that oysters make good aphrodisiacs. I tried a dozen once and
only six of them worked!

You smell so bad, you make Right Guard turn left.. you make Secret obvious..you make Speed Stick slow down… and you get Sure confused.

Q: What do you call 2 blacks in a golden sleeping bag?

A: Twix