Old and New Jokes

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says I want you to see this. She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, what do you have to say about this experiment?

He responds by saying: If I drink whiskey, I wont get worms!

Did you hear Buckwheat became a Moslem?

His new name: Careem O Wheat

Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants:

New company will be called – Poupon Pants.

(my warped sense of humor loves this one!:)

Knotts Berry Farms and National Organization of Women:

New company will be called – Knott NOW!!!

Two nuns walk into a liqueur store and ask the man at the counter for a bottle of Blackberry Brandy. The clerk tells the nuns that he knows they are not suppose to drink alcohol and he cannot sell them the bottle.

One of the nuns said Its okay. Its for the Mother Superior. You see, shes constipated. So the clerk sells them the brandy.

After locking up the store at closing time, the clerk walks down the street and sees the two nuns are falling down drunk.

The clerk says Sisters, you lied to me. You said that was for Mother Superiors constipation.

The nun replies It is. When she see us, shes going to SHIT.

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.

One day there was a little puppy dog laying beside one of the rails on a railroad track.

He fell asleep,and while he was sleeping his tail ended up on the rail, and by that time a train came along and cut off the very tip of his tail. He looked around to see what happen and the train cut off his head.

Do you know what the moral of the story is?

Dont lose your head over a little piece of tail!

How do you starve an [ethnic] man?

Hide his food stamps in his work boots.

From Late Show with David Letterman – Friday, November 11, 1994

Top Ten Signs Youre On A Bad Date

10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now hes just some guy who works in a car wash.

9. Every few minutes, his face falls into his eggs.

8. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro.

7. Her Wonderbras on backwards.

6. Just as everythings starting to go great, youre both asked to return to your cells.

5. Its costing you $

3.00 a minute.

4. You order a double Whopper and he says, My name aint Rockefeller, honey.

3. Waiter taking your order asks, And what can I get for your sorry-ass date?

2. Hes drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt Romney.

1. He wont stop screaming Pataki! (reference to New York Governor-Elect George Pataki)

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.