Old and New Jokes

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that Ive found my dog. Then
I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff.
Dog people sure dont have a sense of humor.

One Surd was driving down an old country road when he spots
another Surd in a wheat field rowing a boat. He pulls over to the
side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief, he stands at the side of the road to watch the
woman for a while. When he could not stand it any more, he called out to the Surd in
the field, Why are you rowing a boat in the middle
of the field?
The Surd in the field stops rowing and responds, Because it is an
ocean of wheat.
The Surd standing on the side of the road is furious. He yells at
the Surd in the field, It is Antartians like you that give the rest of
us a bad name. The Antartian in the field just shrugged her shoulders
and began rowing again.
The Surd on the side of the road was beside himself and shook
his fist at Surd in the field yelling, If I could swim, I would come
out there and drag you in!!!

Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?

A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesnt.

Whew, thats one terrific spread!
Im in the mood for a little dark meat.
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
Talk about a huge breast!
Its Cool Whip time!
If I dont undo my pants, Ill burst!
Are you ready for seconds yet?
Are you going to come again next time?
Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, youll get some!
Dont play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
Do you think youll be able to handle all these people at once?
I didnt expect everyone to come at once!
You still have a little bit on your chin.
Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.
How long will it take after you stick it in?
Youll know its ready when it pops up.
Wow, I didnt think I could handle all of that!
How many are coming?
Thats the biggest one Ive ever seen!
Just lay back & take it easy … Ill do the rest.
How long do I beat it before its ready?

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

Look at their reserve, their calm, muses the Brit. They must be British.

Nonsense, the Frenchman disagrees. Theyre naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.

No clothes, no shelter, the Russian points out, They have only an apple to eat, and theyre being told this is paradise. They are certainly Russian!

Q: How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Bono holds up the light bulb, and the universe revolves around his ass.

Yo mama so fat God couldnt light Earth until she moved!

A man was talking to his friends about why he was a vegetarian.

Im not a vegetarian because I love animals, he said, Im a vegetarian cause I HATE plants!

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love. The girl wants it again and the guy obliges her. She wants more and they do it again. She still wants more and the guy says Excuse me a minute I have to relieve myself.

While out of the car he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat. He asks the guy Look, Ive got this gal in my car and Ive given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. Ill change your flat if youll take over for me.

The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks Whatre you doing in there?

The guy say Im making love to my wife.

The cop asks Why dont you do that at home?

The guy answers To tell you the truth, I didnt know it was my wife until you shined the light on her.

A man and his wife were driving their RV across country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.

They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, the pulled into a place to get something to eat.

At the counter, the man said to the waitress: My wife and I cant seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.

The waitress looked at him and said: buuurrrgerrr kiiiinnnng.