Old and New Jokes

If fire-fighters fight fires, what do Freedom Fighters do?

There was 3 women, a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They had to use the bathroom so they went to a supermarket. They asked the clerk where the bathroom was and he pointed to the back. As he did he said I must warn you, there is a magic mirrior in it and if you look in it and tell the truth, poof you will be surrounded by presents. If you look in it and tell a lie then you will poof away forever. The red went in first and said I think I am the prettiest of all, and poof she was surrrounded by presents. Then the brunette went in and said I think I have the prettiest hair of all, and poof she was surrounded by presents. Last the blonde went in and said, I think… and poof she went away forever.

Your momma so fat. I told her it was chili outside and she grabbed a bowl and a spoon!

Joke found on http://www.dupyup.com

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits

down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if ask how you got yours?

Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge, huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying Id like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said Id like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one.

First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.

But I accidentally said: You ruined my life you fucking bitch!

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.

Now theyre in heaven, and God is sitting on the great golden throne.

God addresses Al first. Al, what do you believe in?

Al replies, Well, I believe that the internal combustion Engine is the root of all evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and well all die.

God thinks for a second and says, Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left.

God then addresses Bill Clinton. Bill, what do you believe in?

Bill Clinton replies, Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things, and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling peoples pain, but not inhaling.

God thinks for a second and says, Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.

God then addresses Bill Gates. Bill Gates, what do you believe in?

Bill Gates said, I believe youre in my chair.

A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldnt seem to get enough lovin. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go – both before and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.

The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the towns doctor, about what to do.



Easiest thing in the world, Homer said the doctor. You take your rifle out with you every day dont you? Well, when you feel like youre in the mood for some lovin, just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you wont lose any workin time.



Homer tried his friends solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while. One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.



Whats wrong? he asked. Didnt my idea work? Wheres your wife?



Oh, it worked says Homer. Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckied come runnin. Then wed find a secluded place and make love. Then Beckied go back home.



So whats the problem?



Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I aint seen hide nor hair of Beckie since hunting season got started…

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking companys fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
Didnt you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?
Well, Ill tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–
I didnt ask for any details, the lawyer interrupted. Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?
Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–
Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joes answer and told the lawyer so.
Well, said the farmer, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didnt want to move. However, I could hear ol Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River. As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, Dont worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water.The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking that all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the rivers bank. As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water!He turned to Michael and exclaimed, I know Al Gore. Al Gore is a friend of mine and he has sinned much, much more than that!Archangel Michael replied, Hes standing on Clintons shoulders.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I coma one lasta time.

You foul-mouthed swine, retorts the lady indignantly. In this country we
dont talk about our sex lives in public!

Hey, coola down lady, says the man. Who talkin abouta sexa? Im a justa
tellin my frienda how to spella Mississippi.

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "Its pretty nice" she replies. "Except they wont let you fart."