Old and New Jokes

A Manolo le encantaba la pesca en hielo, por lo que un día decide hacerlo después de mucho tiempo.

En cuanto llegó al lugar, se instaló cómodamente y abrió un hoyo en el hielo; después y procedió a introducir el cordel del hilo de pesca. Tras uno cuantos minutos de espera, decidió cambiarse de lugar. Al haber pasado cerca de media hora en espera de peces, se escucho una voz que decía:

Allí no hay peces.

Ignorando esto, Manolo continuó pescando. Un rato después, se escuchó nuevamente aquella voz:

He dicho que allí no hay peces.

Desconcertado, el tontilandés suelta:

¿Acaso será Dios quien me habla?

¡No, imbécil, sólo soy el encargado de esta pista de hielo!, responde la voz.

This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream.

By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: Dont worry, I am going to save you.

The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his Red Porsche. He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause).

So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)

The elephant shouts Dont worry chicken I will save you.

So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis. Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety.

Moral of the story: If you have a big dick you dont need a red Porsche to pull a chick.

Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?

Because they couldnt put three Ws in a row.

Three guys are walking in an abandoned warehouse. They find a genie bottle. They decide to rub it.

A genie pops out. He says, I will grant you each one wish, but theres a catch. Whatever you wish for, a lawyer will get 2 times more than that.

The first guy says, I want a million dollars. The genie says, Are you sure? He says yes. *poof* The guy has one million dollars, and a lawyer gets two million.

The second guy says I want a new car. The genie says, A lawyer is getting two new cars then.

The guy says, Oh well. I want my car. *poof* He has a new porche.

The third guy says, I want to be beaten half to death.

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates andannounces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon readingthe entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff andto proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watchingthese proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanningthe preachers entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay,well let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "ButI am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely Irate higher than a cabbie." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "this is heaven and, up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

Q. How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Who cares its not his house any more.

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in
her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the
elephant says, Help me, help me. But the ant refuses unless the
elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her.
Replies the elephant, Anything! Anything!

So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy
himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who
witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently
he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant.

Says the elephant: Ouch!

Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!

Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water; its easier if its frozen.

I got this message detailing a first day of class experience from a
friend of a friend. His name is Kevin Stone, and he goes to Clemson
University.

Just a friendly reminder–look for door numbers….

So Im looking for a class in Newman Hall— actually, I was looking
for Newman Hall– and, I thought id found it. no sign– no main
entrance.

So I walk around the building and find what I perceive to be an acutal
door with and actual doorknob. So I opened it.

Inside was a room at least 150×50– maybe half a football field- maybe
more- black concrete- 20ft ceiling.

Two guys in white overcoats.
A cow. Upside-down with hooves pointing into the air.
On some type of cart.

A chainsaw.

They were as embarrased to see me as I was to see them.

Everybody stared at everybody else for about 6 sec. (except the cow,
who was not facing me.) And I shut the door.

Not econ.

I wasnt more than 10ft away from the door when I heard it lock.

I dont know what the hell they were doing, but they seemed to need
privacy.