Old and New Jokes

One day there was an ant and an elephant walking down a street.

The ant fell into a manhole so he looked up at the elephant and said hey help me out, so the elephant lowered his dick and let the ant crawl out of the hole.

As they continued on with thier walk the elephant fell into a hole, he called out hey ant help me out of this hole. The ant said okay, Ill be back. The ant returned with a Corvette and a rope and used these to pull the elephant out.

The moral of the story is …

As long as you have a big dick, you dont need a Corvette.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon with great expression he said, If I had all the beer in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river.

With even greater emphasis he said, And if I had all the wine in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river.

And then finally, he said, And if I had all the whiskey in he world, Id take it and throw it into the river.

He sat down.

The head elder then stood and announced, For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, Shall We Gather at the River.

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright.
Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.
The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident.
An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprises computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some candy.
The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called Paradise where everyone is happy all of the time.
A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyones satisfaction.
The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isnt tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Farrah!
Farrah who?
Farrah nough!

A middle aged woman is hitchhiking along a highway. A guy in an 18 wheeler stops for her and shouts Come on in!.

The two of them are going down the highway, and this woman starts to fiddle with the glove compartment, when all of the sudden a box of condoms fall out.

What are these? she asks.

Uh… Well… They are… Uh… A new type of cigarette filter the truck driver replies.

Ahh… I See… Interesting… Well, What do you call em?

They are called rubbers, because they are made out of latex rubber..

And Where can you get these things?

You can get them at any pharmacy.

He lets her off at the next town, and she stops at the local pharmacy. Id like to buy a box of rubbers please She asks the pharmacist. Ok. What size would you like?

Big enough to fit a Camel.

Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they like Danzig in the dark.

Querido director, quiero hacerle una pregunta, manifiesta Pepito

Adelante, Pepito

¿Si usted se muriera, en que animal le gustaría renacer?

Mmmm, pienso que tal vez en perro…

No, maestro, no se vale repetir.

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.



He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.



Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade four.