Old and New Jokes

10. When filling out your drivers license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is Hi, whats your URL?
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. Youre amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You ping people to see if theyre awake, finger them to find out how they are, and AYT them to make sure theyre listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as my lady@home.wife and refer to your children as client applications.
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as my domain server.
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!

   … and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two words: Pizzas here.

Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.

Three door-to-door vacuum-cleaner salesmen show up at a farmhouse one afternoon and the kindly farmer agreed to buy a vacuum from each if theyll keep their hands off his Virginal daughter while hes at the bank getting the money.

But when he gets back, he finds all three on top of his daughter. Irate, he fires a shotgun blast over their heads, marches them out to the garden and tells them each to pick TEN of any fruit or vegetable.

The first salesman comes forward with ten peas. Shove them up you ass, orders the farmer.

The second guy turns up with ten tomatoes and gets the same order. He has some trouble getting them in, especially as he keeps cracking up with laughter, but finally gets the job done.

Youre free to go, the farmer says to him, but do you mind if I ask whats so damn funny?

Collapsing with laughter once again, the salesman says, The third guys still out there, picking Watermelons.

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. Ive circled the block for 20 minutes. Im late for an appointment, and if I dont park here Ill lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.

When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: Ive circled the block for 20 years, and if I dont give you a ticket, Ill lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.

A man & wife entered a dentists office. The Wife said, I want a tooth pulled. I dont want gas or Novocain because Im in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

Youre a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

Yo mama hair so short she curls it with rice.

Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, theyre convinced that the power will come back on soon.

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, Are you seriously hurt?

How do I know? the driver responds. Im not a lawyer!

You might be a redneck if…

You think Country & Western covers both types of music.

Youve ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick.

You can chew your own toenails.

Youve ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans.

You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.

Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles.

You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty.

Youve ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didnt spit it out.

Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap.

You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.

Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.

Your mama has more tattoos than you do.

You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.

Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.

You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year old.

Your dogs shots are up to date but your childrens arent.

You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples.

Your whole family sleeps in the same bed.

You consider your annual bath one too many.

You wore a baseball cap to the opera.

there was a man in the bath and is son came in the bathroom and said dad let me sleep in the bath with you. so he got in and asked his dad what was that hairy thing near his ass so his dad replied a teddy bear and you can sleep with it if you want, so he did. the next morning the dad said son why is there blood in the bath the son said teddy bear dribbled in me mouth so i bit his head of!